Limelight
by smc-27
Summary: Peyton Sawyer is no stranger to pain, heartache, and tragedy. When all three bring her back to the town she left 6 years ago, will past mistakes come back to haunt her? And why is it so easy to care for the one person she had wanted so badly to hate? LP.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Just one thing to clear up - everything from seasons 1-4 happened, with the exception that Lily doesn't exist. This will be a short-ish story (under 10 chapters). This is the first one. Let me know what you think.

**----**

"Where's Luke?" Haley asked desperately as she took the seat next to her husband, wiping her tears with the back of her finger. Nathan wrapped her in his arms. He couldn't stand to see her like this - hurting and heartbroken. There was nothing he could do to change how she was feeling, but be damned if he wasn't going to try anyway.

"I don't know," Brooke managed to choke out. This was hardly the time to be thinking it, but she wished she had a Nathan. Well, a boyfriend, anyway. She wanted nothing more than to crumble into a warm, strong pair of arms.

"What do you mean you don't know?" Haley asked.

"He took off. I tried to follow him but he said he just wanted to be alone. I'm worried," Brooke explained.

"Come on," Nathan said, standing and pulling Haley up with him. "Let's get out of here. We all need to get some rest."

"I don't think I can sleep right now," Haley said, sniffling as she wrapped her arms around Nathan's waist a little tighter. "Not with everything and not without knowing where Lucas is."

"Hales, you know he's like this. We'll talk to him tomorrow," Nathan assured her. "Brooke, you're coming with us."

"It's OK. I'm just gonna go home," she said weakly.

"No, you're not. You're staying with us tonight," Haley insisted. Brooke just nodded silently, knowing there was no use in arguing, and the three left the building and started towards the car.

Tree Hill Memorial Hospital was a place they'd all spent too much time in the past few days, not to mention the past ten or so years. Countless car accidents, a drug-induced collapse, a shooting, surgeries, a heart attack or two...They may as well have had a designated waiting area just for themselves. This time, however, was different. This time, someone was gone, and they all knew that everything was about to change. It already had.

Karen Roe had been many things over the years. A cheerleader. A broken hearted teenager. A single mom. The owner of two successful businesses. A widow. A mother figure to her son's friends. A world traveler. And now, she was a memory. Never again would anyone be able to go to her for her seemingly endless supply of advice. She was gone. And everyone who knew her was worse off because of it.

After sending home the neighbour who'd watched Jamie for them, the three friends sat in Nathan and Haley's living room in silence for what seemed like ages.

"OK," Haley said finally. "I can't just sit here without knowing where Lucas is. He's been like a zombie this whole time and I don't think it's hit him yet."

"It hasn't," Brooke said, shaking her head. "I'm worried about him."

"We all are," Nathan added quietly. The room was quiet again for a few moments as they thought about the tragedy they were all dealing with, and how it must have felt a million times worse for the woman's son. "You know who we need to call."

"No," Haley said quickly. "No way."

"Haley, he's right," Brooke insisted. "She needs to know. And you know there's only one person who can get through to him."

"The person who tore his heart out? No. Do _not_ call her," Haley said with finality, standing from her seat and making her way up the stairs.

Nathan and Brooke exchanged a look. After the breakup, the friends had not been told to choose sides, but Haley had done it anyway. Her and Peyton's relationship had always been up and down, but this had been the final straw, and the two had stopped speaking because of it. Lucas had insisted that Haley hadn't had to end the friendship, but she'd told him she simply couldn't forgive Peyton for what had happened. Nathan and Brooke had kept in touch with the blonde and were kept up to date with the life she lived in L.A., but neither filled Lucas or Haley in. Lucas couldn't bare to hear all the details, and Haley didn't want to so much as hear her name.

"We have to call her," Brooke repeated.

"I know we do," Nathan nodded. "Just do it quietly, and be as vague as possible. You know where the spare bedroom is. Make yourself at home." He stood to follow his wife but Brooke's desperate voice stopped him.

"Nathan," she pleaded. "What about...?"

"I don't know. He needs her though," he said sadly.

Brooke nodded and grabbed her phone from her purse as she made her way to her room for the night. She knew none of them were going to be getting any sleep anyway, but she needed to lay down. The queen sized bed was a welcome change to the plastic chairs of the hospital she'd been in for the better part of three days.

"Peyton? It's me," she spoke into the phone, knowing she wouldn't be able to disguise the pain and tears in her voice.

----

"Today has been amazing," he mumbled into her hair. Peyton just took in a deep breath and burrowed into his side a little closer. "What are you thinking about, baby?"

"You. Us. This." She tilted her head up to smile at him and she pressed a kiss to his lips.

She wondered if she'd ever been happier. She wondered if ever in her life, there'd been a time when she felt more content and balanced than she did right now. She'd been in L.A. for 6 years. She finally had the job she wanted, an incredible beach side house, and a man who loved her more than he loved anything. She had everything she ever wanted. Aside from the traffic on her way to and from work, she wouldn't change a thing.

She stood from the bed and wrapped her navy blue silk robe around her body as she made her way to the kitchen, explaining that she was just going to get some water.

She pulled two glasses from the cupboard and hear an unfamiliar clink when her left hand collided with the glass. She held her hand in front of her and quickly relived her day.

-

_Laying in bed that morning, her alarm went off and she moved to stop the incessant beeping. The last thing she wanted to do was go to work, especially when he'd been relentless the night before, teasing her about his having the day off while she would be stuck in her office. She had always hated Mondays, and he knew as much._

_She made the move to set her feet on the ground, but was stopped by a strong arm as he mumbled something incoherent. She was forced to lay back down before she could protest. _

_"Stay," he managed before his eyes were even open. _

_"I can't. I have to work," she insisted._

_"Stay," he repeated. _

_"I really can't," she whispered, draping her leg over his and leaning in to kiss him. _

_"Then don't start something you can't finish," he teased, finally looking at her. She was stunning, even when her hair was a mess and she had circles under her eyes from lack of sleep. She was in one of his old tee shirts and the smile she threw him at his last statement made his heart race. _

_"I _could_ call in sick," she said with a smile, trailing her index finger down his chest and over his stomach. _

_"Do it," he said quickly, making her laugh. That laugh sealed the deal. He sat for a moment, thinking of her and staring at her. The thing he'd been considering for the last few weeks was now a given. "Let's get married." _

_She bolted upright and looked down at him with her brows furrowed. "What?" _

_"Let's get married, Peyton. I love you," he said urgently. "You're the first woman I've ever loved, and I don't want to love anyone else. Ever. I want to be with you and hold onto you for as long as you'll let me. Marry me." _

_She contemplated it for a moment. It was something she'd tried not to let herself think about - marrying him. But now, they were stable. Their relationship had never been better and they were both fulfilled by their work. They had bought a house together, for crying out loud. She loved him, and upon his declaration, she knew that there was nothing else she wanted. _

_"Today," she said, looking into those chocolate brown eyes of his. She noticed the confusion on his face. "Let's get married today." _

_"What?" he laughed. "5 minutes ago you were insisting you had to go to work! Where do you expect to get married on such short notice, baby? Vegas?" _

_"City Hall. And don't joke. If you want to marry me, put your money where your mouth is," she teased, raising her brow at the challenge. _

_He just laughed at the challenge and grabbed her waist to pull her on top of him. _

_"City Hall. Go get ready," he mumbled against her lips. _

_He was going to ask why she was insistent on doing it so urgently. He was going to ask if she wanted her friends or her father present. He was going to ask if she wanted an engagement ring and a big celebration and the perfect white dress and champagne and cake. But all he wanted to do was marry her. Today, tomorrow, 6 months from now. If today was what she wanted, today was what she was going to get. _

_They showered separately and he pulled on his new custom tailored grey Italian suit and a black tie. He checked himself in the mirror one last time before heading downstairs to wait for his fiancé. Could he even call her that? In a few short hours, she'd be his wife. He couldn't wipe the smile off his face thinking about it. _

_He heard the clicking of her heels as she made her way down the stairs. He took a deep breath when he saw her, knowing this was a moment he wouldn't forget for the rest of his life. _

_She had on a fitted black satin strapless dress with a tasteful and very fashionable bow at the bust. Her hair was down and styled just the way he'd always told her he loved it, and her make up was flawless. Her black heels completed the ensemble. She looked incredible. _

_"You're going to wear a black dress on your wedding day?" he asked, a teasing tone in his voice as he hooked his arm around her waist and pulled her into him. _

_"You love this dress," she said, kissing him passionately. _

_"I _do_ love this dress," he growled, running his hands over the satin material on her hip. "Now you'll never be able to wear it again though." _

_"Well, at least it'll have a great memory attached to it," she said with a laugh._

_"Come on," he said, tugging her hand towards the door. _

_They drove to a nearby jewelry store and purchased two simple platinum bands. Next was the florist, where he bought her a bundle of three calla lilies with a black ribbon around them. They stopped for a bottle of champagne and a specialty cake from their favourite bakery, called a photographer friend to snap a few pictures, then went on to City Hall. _

_By noon, Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer was married. _Married_. There was no going back now, and she didn't want to. _

_They spent the rest of their day talking and making love and drinking champagne. They made dinner together like they always did, then headed back to the bedroom. It was perfect.  
_

_-  
_

She smiled to herself again and began pouring the liquid into the glasses when the phone rang. She heard him shout from upstairs to leave it, but something made her pick up the phone.

"Hello?" she answered cheerily.

"Peyton. It's me," Brooke's voice came through the line.

"Brooke! Hi!" All day long, she'd wondered how she was going to tell her best friend that she'd gotten married without her there. Not only that, but she'd deprived her designer friend the opportunity to create a one-of-a-kind dress.

"I have to tell you something," Brooke managed, choking back another sob. She knew that saying what she had to say was going to make it even more real.

"Brooke, what's wrong?" Peyton asked worriedly.

"It's Karen," Brooke sobbed. "She died, Peyton."

She dropped the glass that had been in her hand and it shattered against the counter. A stray piece must have hit her leg on its way to the floor, because she felt the warm blood trickling down her leg before she even looked.

"What?" she asked, not caring that she was bleeding. Her heart was breaking and the tears had already started pooling in her eyes.

"She had a stroke. She hung on for three days, but her body just shut down," Brooke explained through her tears. She didn't hear a response on the other end of the line, just a few sniffles and gasps for air. Peyton had pressed a towel to her leg in an attempt to stop herself from bleeding, but she was numb to the pain.

"Peyton?" Brooke rasped.

"I'll be there by the morning," she whispered. The two hung up without saying another word, but Peyton heard the sigh of relief on the other end of the line.

It took her another moment before she realized that going home meant seeing him for the first time in years. He would need her, and it was going to be hard, especially now, to be near him. But Lucas had always been there for her, and she would be there for him if and when he needed her, no matter how awkward it may be for her to reach out to him.

He had come down the stairs upon hearing the breaking glass and was now standing in front of her with a terrified look on his face. He looked down at her leg and went pale - he'd never been able to handle the sight of blood.

"Peyton," he muttered.

"Karen died," she sobbed. That was all it took for him to gather her in his arms. He'd heard about the woman over the years, and knew exactly how important the she was to Peyton. Even after the whole mess with Lucas, Karen and Peyton had traded occasional emails keeping each other up to date with their lives.

"Baby, you're bleeding," he reminded her after a few moments. Her tears had fallen onto his bare chest, but neither of them cared. He picked her up and carried her away from the broken glass, setting her down on one of their kitchen chairs.

"I need to pack. I need to get to the airport. I need to..."

"You're leaving?" It was a selfish question and he knew as soon as it had left his mouth. This woman was like a mother to his _wife_ and she had just passed away. Of course she was leaving. "I'm sorry," he said, shaking his head. "I'll come with you."

"No," she said firmly, shaking her head at him. "You have so much work to do here. I don't know how long I'll be gone."

"Are you going to see him?" he asked quietly. He wanted to look down, but he knew there was blood there, and he wasn't fond of passing out, which he knew would happen if he glanced in the direction of her leg.

"She's his mother. Of course I am," she said, a fresh batch of tears falling down her already damp cheeks. He didn't say anything for a moment. He just ran his thumb over her gleaming wedding ring. "You trust me?"

"You know I do," he insisted softly, gazing into those irresistible green eyes of hers.

"You have nothing to worry about," she said, placing her hands on either side of his face and pressing her lips to his gently.

Two hours later, he was saying goodbye to her at security and joking that this wasn't exactly how he wanted to spend his wedding night. He kissed her in a way that he hoped would stay with her until she returned to him. To their home. She let go of his hand and made her way to the metal detector.

"Julian!" she called out, grabbing his attention again. "I love you."

"I love you, too. _Mrs. Baker_." She rolled her eyes at the cheesy and clichéd wedding day statement.

She watched him walking away, knowing that he wouldn't be able to watch her leave. She knew that facing what was waiting for her on the other end of the plane ride was going to be damn near impossible. She didn't know how she was going to do it.

She found her first class seat and sat down, running her fingers through her hair. She looked at the ring on her hand for a moment before slipping it off and dropping it into her purse.

She couldn't explain it. She couldn't rationalize it. She just hid it.

Just for a little while.


	2. Chapter 2

It was about 5 a.m. Eastern time when she finally made her way off the plane and into the airport in her home town. It was the first time in three years that she'd been back, and even then, she'd just visited her father and Brooke, had a quick coffee with Nathan, and left.

This was different. This time, she wasn't sure when she was returning to L.A. She'd left an urgent after-hours message for her boss explaining the situation. She had her laptop and could do work periodically if necessary. She knew she had more to think about than just herself, especially now. She had a husband to consider. She thought twice about calling him, knowing it was barely past 2 a.m. and he had a meeting in the morning.

She rented a car and made her way to Brooke's house. She knew now why the brunette had given her a key. At the time, Brooke had simply said that best friends were meant to exchange keys, and 'you never know'. Opening the door, she called out for her friend, and the only answer was silence. She collapsed on the couch, exhausted form the previous day and her sleepless night, and she cried.

She cried for Karen and for Lucas. For herself and Brooke and Nathan. She even cried for Haley, though she was convinced her former friend hated her. She just cried, and let the violent sobs wrack her body.

An hour and a half later, she was in the same position, curled up on the couch. Her crying had toned down and the tears were now silent, but they were still falling. That's how Brooke found her. She didn't say anything. She just joined Peyton on the couch and the two held each other and cried together for the woman who had treated them both better than they deserved.

"I stayed at Nathan and Haley's last night," Brooke finally said, breaking the silence. Peyton just nodded.

"How is he?" she asked, looking down at her hands. Suddenly she felt incredibly guilty for having such an amazing life in L.A. While she was getting married, Karen was dying. People were grieving while she sipped champagne.

"We haven't seen him since we found out. He left the hospital and said he wanted to be alone," Brooke explained, wiping the last of her tears with a tissue.

"Sounds like him," Peyton said softly.

"Yeah, well, we didn't know what to do," Brooke said. "He's been kind of a zombie and we didn't know how to get through to him. Nathan and I figured if anyone could, it'd be you."

"If anyone knows about losing moms, it's me, right?" she joked tearfully. She checked the clock and saw that it was closing in on 7:30. She had to find him. She didn't know where the drive was coming from, but she needed to find him and take him in her arms and just let him feel it. "I'm gonna go see if I can track him down."

"Peyton," Brooke started, shaking her head. "You should probably lay low until we can tell Haley you're here."

"She doesn't know you called me?!" Peyton asked urgently as she grabbed the keys to her rental car.

"Actually, she told us not to," Brooke said, wincing as she waited for the backlash of the statement.

"Not surprising," Peyton said, rolling her eyes. "But you know what? This isn't about me and Haley and our problems. It's about Karen. And Lucas. And if he needs me, then I'm here."

"That's what Nate and I said," Brooke said with a weak smile.

"I'll call you," Peyton promised, pulling the door closed behind her.

She drove through the town, checking all the places he might go. He wasn't at his home or his mother's. She'd checked his place first, only to find all the doors locked and his car missing. She stood for a moment in front of the house he'd bought a few years earlier, and allowed her mind drift to picturing him reading on the porch or mowing the yard. She gave her head a shake before pulling away from the curb. She checked the River Court, though she knew instinctively that he wouldn't be there - it would be too easy for someone to find him there. She checked the high school, thinking he may be at the gym, but he wasn't. She drove past the old diner on the outskirts of town where they used to sit for hours playing old songs on the juke box, but the only people sipping coffee inside were middle aged truckers on their way home.

The last place she thought to go was a place she knew they'd be spending some time in in the coming days.

She saw his car before she saw him, and she felt like she was going to be sick, her stomach was doing so many backflips. She took a moment to just breathe in and out and compose herself before getting out of her car.

She walked to where she had assumed he would be, but he wasn't there. Keith Scott had been taken from them years before, and she thought he may be sitting in front of the stone and telling the man who'd acted as his father about everything that had happened. But he wasn't there.

He noticed her before she noticed him. At first he thought he was dreaming. He _hoped_ he was dreaming. Maybe if he was, it meant that his mother was still here. But he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples and when he opened them again, she was still there, kneeling in front of Keith's grave with her head bowed.

She looked beautiful, and he hated that he let himself think that. But it was nice for a moment to just forget whatever he'd been feeling for the past few days. For a fleeting second, he felt something other than pain and sadness and grief. He felt hope. Or lust. Or peace.

Or _love_.

And it was terrifying.

She had come, and he knew that she had come to help him. He didn't know who'd called her or how she'd gotten there so quickly, but she was there. And maybe what he felt more than anything else was relief.

She noticed him looking, and even from afar she could see the outline of tears on his face. His eyes were red and she was sure he hadn't slept in days. She saw where he was sitting and it both broke and fixed her heart at the same time.

She walked over to him and sat down next to him without saying a word. Their eyes didn't meet. They both faced forward and sat in the silence for at least ten minutes.

"I thought maybe she'd have some advice for me," he finally said, gesturing towards her mother's headstone. "I looked up and there you were."

He wasn't sure he'd ever been more grateful to Anna Sawyer in his life. Sure, he'd thanked her for raising her beautiful daughter, but this was different. He wondered if she'd sent her girl directly to him, knowing that she was the only one who could help him. He closed his eyes and mouthed a silent thank you that he knew Peyton wouldn't see.

"Brooke called me," she said quietly.

They were quiet again, though neither minded.

"What happened to your leg?" he asked, noticing the bandage on her left leg. Her knee-length skirt didn't exactly hide much. The bandage she'd fashioned before leaving home the night before definitely needed to be changed. Blood was seeping through the gauze and it actually looked rather gross.

"It's nothing," she insisted, waving off his question.

"Doesn't look like nothing," he said, running his fingers around the border of the makeshift dressing.

She wanted to believe that the shiver she felt beneath his touch was because his hands were cold. She _had_ to believe it.

"It's just a cut," she explained vaguely.

"You think this leg can handle any more battle wounds?" he asked, his index finger tracing the circular scar near her knee.

She just let out a weak breathy laugh. She knew they were both thinking of that day and how it changed everything. They didn't talk again for a few minutes, and he actually loved that he could just sit in the company of someone who didn't feel the need to talk and ask questions and baby him. He knew that the reason she was the one who could understand that was because she'd been through it before. That, and she simply knew him, even after so many years apart.

"It's the anniversary of Keith's death," he said, glancing at the scar on her leg again.

"Seven years this week," she muttered quietly. This week was always a hard one, and more and more tragic events just kept getting added to it.

"We had this ritual. We'd spend that entire day together and visit him and make his favourite dinner and drink his favourite beer and tell stories." He paused to look Peyton in the eyes for the first time since he'd seen her again. He knew they would both be tearing up at this point. "She was at the café. She just collapsed."

"Lucas," she whispered. She hadn't known any of the details, not that they were really necessary at this point.

"How do you do it?" he asked desperately, choking back his emotions. "When does it get better?"

"I wish I had an answer for that Lucas," she said, shaking her head. "It just hurts until one day you wake up and it hurts a little less. There's no timeline."

"I owe her everything," he said through his tears. "I didn't get a chance to repay her."

"You did," Peyton insisted, smiling at him. He shook his head and she took his face in her hands to force him to look her in the eye. "Every time you published a book. Every time she saw you with Jamie. Every time she saw you put yourself on the line for your friends. She knew, Lucas. That was her proof."

"What am I supposed to do now?" he asked desperately.

She didn't have an answer. She just pulled him into her arms like she'd wanted to since she sat down, and let him cry on her shoulder.

"Everyone's worried about you," she finally said, her hand still moving over his hair comfortingly as he he sat, cradled in her arms.

"I know," he mumbled.

"You have to go see Haley," she insisted as gently as she could.

"She keeps treating me like I'm incompetent," he said, making her chuckle weakly. "I'm serious."

"I know you are," she said softly. "That's her way of dealing, though. She channels her grief into taking care of everyone else. She did the same thing when Keith died."

He pulled away from her and smiled for the first time in three days. She always understood everything so much better than everyone else, and he had no idea how the hell she did it. They stood from their places and walked towards their cars. He tugged his keys out of his pocket and waited for her to say something, but she didn't.

"Thank you for coming," he said sincerely. "You didn't have to."

"What?" she asked, shocked at his words. "Or course I did."

"Just with everything..."

"No," she said firmly. "Nothing else matters right now."

She pondered for a moment how true that was. Her marriage, her husband, her job, her friendships, her lack of a friendship with Haley, her history with Lucas. None of it mattered.

But dammit. She hadn't called Julian yet. She felt the panic rising in her until Lucas wrapped his arms around her.

"Thank you," he repeated. "And don't worry about Haley."

She nodded, wondering if he'd read her mind, and offered a weak smile before watching him slump into the seat of his car. She got behind the wheel of her rental car and pulled her phone from her bag, dialing Julian's number.

He watched her as she held the phone to her ear and couldn't help but wonder who was was calling. It could have been anyone. It could have been Brooke or Nathan or her father. But something told him it wasn't. He felt that old familiar feeling rising up in him. Jealousy. He didn't know where it had come from or why he was feeling it. But he was feeling it. Already, he felt as though he needed her. She'd been in town less than a day and she was already healing him.

He both loved and hated her for that.

"Hey," she heard Julian's voice on the line.

"Hi. Sorry I didn't call earlier." She was on autopilot as she spoke, watching Lucas drive away.

"It's OK. I know you need some time," he insisted.

She often wondered how he could be so sweet to her. He was notorious for being a jerk. Most people hated him. He was successful, and as he had explained early on in their relationship, you don't find success in the movie business by being a nice guy all the time. But he was different with her almost immediately. He was sweet and attentive and it had scared the hell out of him. He'd never done that for anyone. But there was something about Peyton that made him want to change. He wanted her to see past the bluster and just see him. And when she did, he knew he was in love with her.

"I don't know how much time I'll have in the next few days," she explained. She knew the funeral process well, sadly. There would be arrangements to be made, the wake, the burial, the gathering of people. Lucas would need help going through Karen's house and talking to lawyers about her businesses. It was a lot.

"I know, babe. Just don't forget about me," he said, only halfway teasingly.

"Couldn't if I tried," she said. But when she looked at her bare hand and found the ring in the bottom of her purse, she had to wonder: why was she so afraid to let people know she'd gotten married?

"Well call me when you can. Feel free to send me dirty texts or emails," he said. His voice took the tone it always did when he was serious, but didn't want her to think he was. She smiled at how well she knew him.

"Count on it," she said with a slight laugh.

"Good. I'll be waiting," he laughed. "I love you. Call me if you need anything."

"Love you too. Talk soon," she promised, before ending the call.

She drove back to Brooke's place feeling guilty. She'd just gotten married and left her husband alone in their home on the same day so she could comfort her ex-boyfriend. Why couldn't she stop thinking that there was nowhere else in the world she could imagine being?

----

She returned to Brooke's to find a note on the table in the hallway, explaining that everyone was meeting at Nathan and Haley's that afternoon to help Lucas with funeral arrangements.

She took a quick shower and found a first aid kit to tend to her leg and put on a new bandage. She threw on a pair of jeans and a plain grey tee shirt. She blow dried her hair quickly and pulled it into a pony tail. She knew that her wardrobe choice would be similar to everyone else's. A coat of mascara and some lip balm, and she was out the door, bracing herself as she drove for whatever hostility was sure to come her way from Haley.

Walking into the Scott household felt similar to walking into the lion's den. She tapped lightly on the door before pushing it open and following the voices she heard coming from the living room. Lucas was the first to notice her, and greeted her with a genuine smile and a nod, and Brooke moved over to give Peyton room to sit next to her on the sofa. Nathan walked over to her and wrapped her into a tight hug.

Haley shot daggers at her husband and at Brooke, but the smile on Lucas' face was one that she knew could only ever be put there by one person. She would have to set aside her differences. A smile, even as faint as the one he wore, was better than the impenetrable wall he'd had up since his mother collapsed.

"We aren't doing anything," Brooke finally said, in an attempt to cut the tension in the room. "I mean, we're just kind of sitting...talking."

"Alright. I think I know how to do that," Peyton said.

Lucas laughed and the three other friends turned to look at him. It had been days since they heard the sound. Nathan and Brooke looked at each other in silent acknowledgment that calling Peyton had been the right choice.

"I remember when I was little, my mom and Dan got called out of town at the last minute and they had no one to leave me with, so after a huge argument, Dan finally let my mom call Keith. I was about 7, and I had no clue who Karen or Lucas were in relation to us," Nathan started. Apparently it was story time. Peyton was loving every second, so far. "So Keith came to the house and we played basketball all afternoon until it started to rain. I think I was better than him even then."

Lucas laughed again, knowing the statement was probably true. Peyton smiled, thinking back to the photographs she'd seen of Nathan as a small boy, hands barely big enough to hold a ball.

"He told me he couldn't cook, but that he knew the place with the best food in town, so we got into that old beat up truck of his. You know, the one with the torn interior and the broken radio?" he said with a laugh. Lucas nodded and smiled at the memory. "We drove to Karen's Café and he lifted me up onto the stool next to him at the counter. That was the first time I met Karen. I remember she smelled like cookies."

"Always smelled like cookies!" Haley added with a laugh. "I swear she had cookie perfume or something."

"She gave me soup and crackers, and even though Keith told her not to, she made me a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream and chocolate shavings." He looked to his hands before speaking again. "I didn't know it at the time, but that's just who Karen was. She didn't care about history or Dan or the crappy situation he put us all in. She cared that I was a little boy who was related to her little boy. I asked her about it a couple years ago, if she remembered that day. She just winked and told me that no boy should go without..."

"Hot chocolate on a rainy day," Lucas finished with a smile. Nathan chuckled and both men nodded their heads. Clearly, it was something the woman lived by.

The five friends sat in silence for a few minutes and the only sound flowing through the room was the ticking of the clock. It was no secret that they were all reliving their fondest memories of the woman. Haley was the next to speak.

"I was about 11 when Lucas started playing basketball really seriously. Up until then, Lucas and I would do everything together, so I was always around and tagging along and pretty much living at the café or her place. You remember, Luke? I started keeping a pajamas and a change of clothes there because we'd get muddy or I'd stay over or we'd help your mom and end up covered in flour. When Lucas started going to the River Court every day, I used to go to the café and wipe down tables for her or dry dishes or do inventory. She told me I didn't have to help if I didn't want to, but I insisted that I'd rather hang out with her than my older sisters. So she told me that if I was going to help her, she had better start paying me."

"And yet, I worked in the café from the time I could walk, and it was considered part of my chores," Lucas joked, making everyone laugh.

"I told her I didn't need money. Truthfully, I just wanted to feel useful. But she would always give me a portion of her tips. So I started saving up, you know? I'd hoard all the money away. I finally decided to buy this bracelet that I wanted, and when I went to buy it, I saw this silver necklace with a heart pendant that she had told me about."

"I remember that," Lucas said with a smile. "She kept dropping hints to Keith for like, a month."

"It was more expensive than the bracelet I wanted, but I bought it anyway," Haley explained.

"And when Keith finally went to buy it, it was gone," Lucas added.

"I gave it to her the next day and she cried. That was the first time I ever saw her cry. She asked me why I'd spend my money on her, and I told her that I wanted her to have everything she wanted." Nathan smiled and put his arm around his wife, amazed still at her never ending generosity. "And she said something I'll never forget. She said 'Haley James, you are far too young to have this much love to offer.'"

"And then Keith told you that you stole his thunder," Lucas laughed. "I don't think she ever did believe that he'd gone to buy that necklace."

They all talked and laughed for another little while, just trying to be happy in the midst of such a depressing event. Swapping stories about Karen seemed to make everyone smile, remembering the woman she was.

"Peyton," Nathan said, pointing to her leg. "You're bleeding."

She looked down and saw the red seeping through her jeans. "It's nothing."

"It's not nothing," Lucas insisted, repeating his words from earlier in the day. He stood to go to the kitchen for some paper towels.

"What did you do?" Brooke asked, watching as Peyton lifted her pant leg to reveal a blood soaked bandage.

"I dropped a glass last night and got a cut. It's really not a big deal," she said, waving off Nathan's attention as he kneeled next to her. It was futile. He took the paper towels from his brother and put pressure on the wound, making her wince in pain. He wiped the blood away to see the deep gash on her leg about two inches long.

"Peyton, you need stitches for sure," Nathan informed her, looking at her with worry in his eyes.

"Nate..."

"He's right, Peyton," Haley said, speaking her first words directly to the blonde in years. "You should have it looked at."

"I'll take her," Lucas spoke up, making everyone look at him like he was crazy.

They were concerned for a few reasons. He'd spent a lot of time in the hospital in the previous days. His mother had just passed away and that's where she took her last breaths. And none of them were sure how much time the two of them should have spent together alone.

"I can go," Brooke said shakily.

"You're pale as a sheet, Brooke. You hate blood," Lucas said. "Come on. We'll take my car."

Peyton could do nothing to protest. She knew one thing - when Lucas wanted to do something, there was no changing his mind. She stood from the sofa and walked to the door, careful not to drip any blood on Nathan and Haley's floor.

"I'll call you in a bit," she promised her friends.

Haley watched until the door was shut, then turned to Brooke and Nathan. Both brunettes stood, waiting for the verbal assault they were sure was coming.

"You were right," Haley said simply with a small smile and a nod, before walking into the kitchen.

It was the last thing she had wanted to admit, but it was the truth. And as much as she wanted to hold a grudge, Lucas seemed OK with having Peyton there, so Haley knew she would have to be OK with it to. For Lucas. And for Karen.


	3. Chapter 3

Lucas returned to the seat next to Peyton after taking her insurance paperwork back to the friendly nurse who'd checked them into the ER. He slumped into the chair and his worry was practically radiating off him. She knew instinctively that he was about to ask how she was, so she beat him to the punch.

"I believe they call this transference," she said, bumping his shoulder with her own.

"What?" he laughed.

"Taking all the things you're feeling and channeling them into worry for me?" she explained with a smile.

"What can I say? I have a history of sticking by you when you're bleeding from the leg," he said, making her laugh again. He knew that Haley would have lost her mind if she heard him joking. He noticed the surprise on his face earlier when he only laughed. But Peyton...there was something calming about her.

"I hate hospitals," she said abruptly after a few minutes of silence. "I don't know anyone who really likes them, but I really, really hate hospitals."

"I can't say I blame you," he said somberly.

"You shouldn't have come. You shouldn't be here right now," she said sympathetically.

"I wanted to," he admitted with a shrug of his shoulders.

She wondered if it should have been that easy. _Them_. She wondered why it wasn't tense or awkward or difficult. Maybe enough time had passed. Maybe the circumstances made them push everything else aside.

They were silent again, and just sitting there next to one another for a while, perfectly content in not talking. Peyton was wracking her brain, trying to think of her best memory of Karen that Lucas didn't already know.

"After the shooting, I went to see your mom," she said quietly. "I wasn't going to school and I begged my dad to take me to your place."

"When?" he asked, the shock evident in his voice.

"A couple days after the funeral," she explained. "I was worried about her. And You. I told my dad I wanted to let her know that I understood what she was going through. He couldn't argue with me."

"Peyt..."

"She was just sitting on the couch in her sweats when I got there. Dad stayed in the car and waited for me. I just sat down next to her and neither of us said anything for probably a half hour." She choked up thinking about that day and the emotions she went through at the time. "I thanked her for raising you like she had. I told her that if she and Keith hadn't been so incredible, you wouldn't have been brave and selfless enough to get me out of that school. She told me she was mad at you and I told her I was, too. I said I thought you were a fool for running into that school. But I told her she should be proud of you because you saved my life, and I didn't think anyone else would have been able to help me through that like you did." Lucas just stared at her as she spoke, wondering why she never told him that before. "I just held her hand for a while until she looked at me and said thank you."

"How come you never told me that?" he asked, dumbfounded that they'd gone all this time without her saying a word.

"I don't know," she shrugged. "I guess I just wanted to keep that memory between the two of us."

And he knew that his mother probably felt the same way, which was why she had never said anything either. He wondered what he'd done to deserve having all these wonderful women in his life. His mom, Peyton, Haley, Brooke...He knew he was lucky to have known any of them. He was just about to speak again when her name was called.

"Want me to come with you?" he asked. Something in him really wanted her to say yes.

"It's OK. I'm a big girl," she said with a grin.

"Peyton, you're a big girl with a very low threshold for pain," he reminded her as they stood.

"Fine," she said, rolling her eyes. "But if I crush any bones in your hand, it's entirely your fault."

"Deal," he nodded as they turned to follow the nurse.

If nothing else, she was certainly helping to dull the pain that had been looming over him. Maybe it was transference, as she had pointed out, but he didn't care. Worrying about her felt better than the sadness.

25 minutes later, Peyton was clutching Lucas' hand as her leg was being stitched. It almost hurt him to see her in pain and wincing like she was.

"Great," she said gruffly. "Now I'm going to have another stupid scar!"

"Peyton," Lucas said, trying not to laugh at her childish behaviour. "He's doing a great job. It'll be better than you think."

"What's this one from?" the doctor asked, rubbing over the circular scar with his pinky finger.

"It um...It's from a bullet," she explained softly. Lucas squeezed her hand, but the sadness stayed on both their faces.

"Oh," the man said softly, unsure of what else to say. "Well, you're all set here. I'm just going to prescribe a topical antibiotic and you'll be able to go."

"Thank you," Lucas offered, taking the piece of paper from the doctor. He offered them both a nod as he tossed his latex gloves into the bin before leaving the room. "You did good, Sawyer."

"Yeah, yeah. Let's get the hell out of here," she said, tugging his hand towards the door. She wasn't sure why she was still holding on. But so was he. They stayed that way until they got to his car. Neither mentioned it. Neither made any moves to pull away.

They stopped by the pharmacy on the way back to Nathan and Haley's to fill her prescription, then they were walking back through the door of the Scott household.

"Jamie, look who's here?" Brooke said, pointing the boy in the direction of the two blondes as they made their way into the living room.

"Peyton!" the boy shouted, running to hug her as she knelt down with her arms open.

"Whoa, Jamie. What about me?" Lucas teased.

"I see you all the time," Jamie explained, looking at his uncle over Peyton's shoulder as her arms were tight around him. "Where were you?"

"The hospital," Peyton said quietly.

"Oh," Jamie said, dropping his head. He remembered he was supposed to be sad. They were all sad.

"But check it out," she said, moving to sit on the couch next to Brooke. "10 stitches."

"Cool!" Jamie and Nathan exclaimed, both moving closer to inspect the wound.

"Lucas," Haley called gently. "We should probably get started."

He just nodded. Back to reality. The sad and depressing reality of what was going on in his life. He joined Haley in her dining room, away from everyone else. She'd already called the funeral home and picked up a copy of Karen's will. She had brochures for caskets laid on the table. It hit him quickly. He knew he had to make these decisions, but he didn't want to. Who would? He was thankful that he had Haley to help him. When they were tucked away from the crowd, he pulled her into his arms for the first time since they'd found out his mom hadn't made it.

The two best friends just stood there, each quietly crying in the others' arms for a few minutes before Haley pulled away and wiped her eyes.

It took them about an hour to make the arrangements. Haley was, as usual, hyper organized. All Lucas had to do was make the final decisions. He teased her that he'd never been more thankful that she was borderline obsessive compulsive. That had earned him a smack to the back of the head, but it was worth it to see her smile. The funeral was set for two days from then, and Haley had offered to have a gathering of people at her house afterward. They left going through her will for another day after Haley sensed that Lucas was getting a little overwhelmed by everything going on.

"Hales." He got her attention just as she was about to stand from her seat. "Thank you. For everything."

"Lucas, you know I don't mind," she said with a sad smile.

"And try to go easy on Peyton," he said quietly. He didn't want to argue with Haley, but he knew that they had to get through the next week or so without rehashing the past or yelling at each other.

"I'm not going to do anything, Luke. There's too much going on for me to worry about Peyton and all the drama that comes with her," she bit back.

"That's what I'm talking about. Let's not do that," he said vaguely. She understood and nodded after letting out a sigh.

The five of them, plus Jamie, spent the rest of the evening eating way too much take out and continuing their trip down memory lane. Peyton nearly fell asleep more than once, realizing that not only was she jet lagged, but she really hadn't slept at all on the red eye flight she'd caught. She stayed awake long enough to say goodnight to Jamie, but after that she was pretty much dead to the conversation going on around her.

"Peyton, we should go," Brooke offered, noticing the huge yawn the blonde was trying to suppress.

"I'm sorry you guys," she said quietly.

"It's OK. We should all try to get a good night's sleep anyway," Nathan insisted. "You shouldn't drive, though. You're way too tired."

"I'll be fine," Peyton said, shaking her head as she stood from the sofa.

"No way," Haley demanded. "Not on our watch. You can leave your car here and Nathan or I can drive it over in the morning."

Anyone who wasn't Haley was shocked by her sudden outburst of concern. Of course, she was not a malicious person, and she wouldn't ever let someone intentionally put themselves into harm's way, but the amount worry in her tone was a little surprising.

"OK," Peyton managed. She handed the keys to the car to Nathan and hugged him once again before saying goodbye to Haley. They may have been speaking, but they certainly weren't at the point where physical contact was welcome.

Both Brooke and Peyton offered hugs to Lucas before starting down the walkway.

"Peyton," Brooke said, stopping her in her tracks. The blonde turned to face her best friend. "How are you?"

"Could be better," Peyton scoffed, wondering where the absurd question came from.

"No, I mean, I know this is a rough time for you anyway, with the shooting and...everything. Without all this," Brooke clarified. "It's weird that this stuff has all happened at the same time of year, just years apart."

"Yeah," Peyton said sadly. "This week is a tough one. Tomorrow's going to be..."

"I know," Brooke interrupted, slipping her arm around Peyton's waist as the continued towards the car.

Lucas and Haley had heard the whole exchange from the doorway, and he waited until the girls had left before he walked towards his car without saying another word to anyone.

As if they all didn't have enough to worry about already, they'd all just been reminded of yet another thing that was sure to bring on an onslaught of emotions and pain, reopening wounds that hadn't ever really healed.

----

The two women walked into Brooke's house and Peyton promptly pulled out her phone. Julian had sent her a simple text message telling her how his meeting had gone. She began dialing his number but Brooke stopped her before she could hit send.

"Shouldn't you be heading to bed, missy?" she scolded playfully, handing her friend a bottle of cold water from the fridge.

"Just making a call," she said with a smile.

"Ah. Julian," Brooke said, smirking.

Brooke found happiness seeing her friend so smiley despite the circumstances. And Julian had reminded her of a male version of herself. Just sarcastic enough to be charming, and just charming enough to know how to get what he wanted. Not to mention, he could put a smile on Peyton's face like no one had in years. Since they'd gotten together, Brooke had seen her friend do a complete 360. She was no longer the heartbroken and hurting girl she'd been after her and Lucas broke up. She was happy. He made her happy. And Brooke was grateful. But there was something in the back of her head that would repeat every now and again when Peyton would call after a disagreement with her boyfriend, or when he'd be on a movie set for weeks at a time; he's not Lucas.

Peyton knew Brooke could hear her entire conversation, and when Julian asked if she'd told anyone they were married, she froze. What could she say? He'd know she was lying if she said yes, and if she said no, he'd be heartbroken and think she was ashamed or worried what everyone would think. The truth was, it was just bad timing.

So that's what she told him.

She hung up after a short conversation and felt Brooke's gaze on her.

"So you two are good?" she asked.

"We're really good," Peyton said with a smile far too big considering the reason she was in Tree Hill for the reason she was there.

She realized that if there was ever a window of opportunity to tell her best friend her news, that was it. But she didn't. She didn't want to explain it all and face questions about the day and her dress and the ring. And Lucas. She had always known, deep down, that no matter when she got married or how long she'd been with someone new, there would always be questions on whether or not she was over Lucas. And she was.

She and Julian had been together for almost 4 years. He'd picked her up and dusted her off and saw what she really was beneath the hurt and heartache and tragedy. He had saved her, and she owed him a lot for that, but he never asked for anything in return. Instead, she was rewarded with him allowing her to see who he really was, not the smarmy movie producer. He let her see him as a man who had fears and apprehensions and dreams and regrets. He had a favourite song from every year since he was born, and he highlighted his favourite passages in any book he read. He'd read to her from the newspaper while she drank her coffee. He called when he said he would. He played guitar well but sang horribly, and she'd laugh when he closed his eyes and belted out songs for her. He bought her things because he knew she'd enjoy them, not because he needed to impress her (which he accomplished anyway). He kissed her temple each night before they went to bed, and he told her he loved her as often as he could.

He was the man for her, and he'd proven it time and time again. She had no doubts in her mind.

But she still didn't tell her best friend of over 15 years that she had married him.

Instead she repeated that she was tired, let herself into Brooke's guest bedroom, put on her pajamas, and cried again. There were too many emotions running through her and crying seemed to be the only release. Brooke had been right - most of the horrible events from the past years had all taken place around the same time. Unfortunately, that meant that Peyton's heart was already fragile without adding more pain to the mix.

She couldn't shake the feeling that things were going to get a lot worse before they got better.


	4. Chapter 4

The sun pouring through the windows of the room Peyton woke up in offered escape, for a brief moment, from the reality of everything that was going on. For a moment, she forgot that she was a newlywed, separated by dire circumstance from her husband. She forgot that this day, 6 years ago, was the day everything changed, creating a domino effect that would shake her world. She forgot that Karen was gone and Lucas was breaking.

But the moment was gone as quickly as it came, and she placed her feet on the floor, wiped the sleep from her eyes, and walked into Brooke's empty kitchen. She found a note next to the coffee maker and as she looked at the clock, she realized she'd slept in far later than she had expected.

_P. Sawyer. Had a meeting I couldn't reschedule. Back by 1:00 and we'll go to Naley's. Help yourself to anything you need. Love you. Brooke._

Peyton stood for a moment, relishing in the silence. It had been a while since she felt it. The past few days had been such a whirlwind of emotions and events, that she hadn't had much time to herself, save for the previous day when she cried on the couch for well over an hour. She remembered the date and closed her eyes, silently begging whoever was listening to just let her get through the day.

She left the coffee to brew while she got dressed, once again in jeans and a simple sweater, and pulled her hair up in a messy bun. She grabbed her computer, thinking she could bury herself in her work for a couple hours, like she always did when she was trying to avoid her emotions. It usually worked. Today was no different.

She sat at the counter in Brooke's kitchen, sipping coffee and answering emails, looking over proposals and contracts. She sent Julian an email that she knew would make him laugh and maybe miss her just a little more. Sure enough, about 10 minutes later, she got a reply telling her how much he hated being alone in their house, and how he put on one of the albums that she loved and he hated, just to fill the silence. He told her he'd called Nathan and left a message for her with him regarding some paperwork that had been dropped off at their door. At the end of his email, he told her again to call him if she needed anything, and that he was thinking of her, knowing how hard this day was for her.

She missed him terribly. Just the every day things. Something as simple as him using the same mug each morning for his coffee. Or the way he drove her crazy by leaving his shoes in the middle of the hallway when he came home from work. She'd come to love all the little idiosyncrasies that made him, him.

She finally abandoned her computer and moved to the sofa with some of the paperwork she'd brought from L.A. She'd contemplated playing some music, but the silence wouldn't last, she knew, so she opted not to fill it with sound.

Haley walked through the door of Brooke's house knowing that the brunette wouldn't be home, and she'd have a chance for some one-on-one time with Peyton. After hearing what she had heard the night before, she knew that it was time to put the past behind them. If recent events taught her anything, it was that life was short. Too short to alienate someone that you cared about because of things that had happened in the past. If Lucas had gotten past it, so could Haley.

Peyton turned around expecting to see Brooke, but instead saw Haley. She wasn't entirely sure what to expect, but she couldn't handle a shouting match, she knew that much.

"I thought you could use a friend," Haley said softly as she sat next to Peyton on the sofa.

"You bring Brooke or Nathan with you?" Peyton bit out curtly. It was a low blow, she realized, when Haley sighed and looked to her hands.

"I guess I deserved that," she admitted.

"And then some," Peyton added. She knew that now was the time to let it all out. All the anger and frustration she felt towards Haley. And as angry and hurt as she was at the woman, Peyton had to give her credit for making the first move.

"I know," Haley conceded. "Brooke reminded me that this was the day that..."

"I know you will always pick Lucas over everyone else, other than Nathan," Peyton interrupted, still unable to hear the words she knew Haley was going to say. Her tone wasn't angry, but it conveyed the hurt. "But you weren't there for me when I needed you. You cut me out at the worst possible time. Out of all the people in the world I thought might help me, you were the one. And you turned your back on me."

"I didn't understand why you did it," Haley offered.

"You didn't ask!" Peyton shouted. "I get that Lucas is your best friend and I would _never_ ask you to pick sides. If he had told you not to talk to me, I would understand. But he didn't. _You_ made that choice."

"Maybe I was wrong to do that, Peyton," Haley began, slightly surprised by the sudden outburst. "But I had just had Jamie, and my hormones were all over the place, and I just didn't get how you could do it."

"I was just a kid, Haley. I was young and scared and living so far away. I didn't know how to tell tell him."

"It was his baby!" Haley insisted softly. "You know he would have helped you through it."

"Maybe so. You don't know the details," Peyton said, shaking her head.

"Tell me," Haley demanded gently. "Give me the details, Peyton."

Peyton sat for a moment, wondering if this particular can of worms needed to be opened again - or if she had the strength to relive it. Haley placed her hand over Peyton's reassuringly, and she knew she needed her friend back. She needed Haley, as much as she'd tried to prove that she didn't over the past several years.

"You remember when he came to visit me that September? Right before his season started?" Peyton asked, and continued at Haley's nod. "That's when it happened. We hadn't seen each other since June and I guess we just got...carried away. It was stupid and irresponsible, but it happened, you know? But I was thinking about it afterward, and I was on the pill so I thought we were OK. That weekend was amazing. It was too short, but we didn't leave my apartment the whole time. It just felt like it used to - the two of us holed away from everyone else."

"He told me that he wished he could have stayed longer," Haley said with a smile, remembering her best friend returning from the trip happier than she'd seen him since his girlfriend had left town.

"After that weekend, any doubts I had were gone. It was me and Lucas, you know? We were going to make it work," Peyton explained. "I found out about 6 weeks later."

"All by yourself," Haley whispered. She was thinking about how terrifying that would be. She'd had Brooke and Karen when she found out. Peyton had no one.

"I wasn't even 19. And I knew I had to tell Lucas, but we hadn't talked about kids or what would happen if I got pregnant. I was scared that he'd feel like he was Dan or something, and I knew that would kill him."

"Peyton, Lucas wants to be a dad more than anything," Haley insisted.

"Yeah, now he does! He was a college freshman whose girlfriend lived 3,000 miles away from him. Hardly the best news I could have given him," Peyton said.

"You know he would have gone to you though," Haley explained.

"I know. But that's exactly what I didn't want," Peyton said, letting a tear fall from her eye as she spoke. "I didn't want him to give up school or coaching or being with you guys and Jamie. I couldn't do that to him."

"You make it sound like those things were more important to him than you and your child," Haley said, shaking her head in disbelief. She knew that it was the furthest thing from the truth.

"I obviously knew I had to tell him," she said softly, barely able to keep her emotions in check. "I was at work and my boss finally invited me to a meeting with this producer they were trying to secure for one of our artist's albums. It was across the city, so we got into his car and he drove."

Peyton couldn't stop the sob that escaped her mouth. Haley's heart broke at the sound. She was terrified of what was going to come next in the story, but she needed to know. Lucas hadn't given her any of the details - he never talked about it. He couldn't.

"It's OK," Haley whispered, trying to get ahold of her own emotions. Her maternal instincts kicked in and she began rubbing her hand in circles on Peyton's back. "What happened?"

"We were going through an intersection and someone turned left in front of us. It was horrible. The first thing I told the paramedics was that I was pregnant, and my boss just about lost his mind, he was so worried. That was the moment when I realized that I _wanted_ that baby. I mean, there was never a time when I considered not having it. But in that moment, I knew I loved it already." More tears trailed her cheeks and Haley handed her a tissue and encouraged her to continue. "Other than cuts and bruises, I was fine. I thought the baby would be fine, too."

"Peyton," Haley whispered, shedding tears of her own. She hadn't known any of the details. She was overcome with guilt for not taking the care to listen 6 years earlier.

"I was almost three months. They told me the impact was just too much," Peyton sobbed. Haley didn't hesitate to pull her friend into her arms. And she was sure she could call her that again. Her friend. She realized how horrible it had been to cut contact when she didn't know the whole story.

"Why didn't you tell anyone right away?" Haley asked as the two broke apart.

"I don't know. The only person who knew was my boss, and he felt so guilty that he could barely look at me. I changed jobs a month later because we just couldn't be around each other. I didn't blame him, but he blamed himself. I knew Lucas would be so mad and just...hurt. How do you do that? Tell your boyfriend that the baby he didn't know about was dead?" she asked through her tears.

"He wouldn't have been mad," Haley assured her.

"But he was," Peyton insisted.

"Honey, he was mad because you didn't let him help you. He was mad because you shut him out and pushed him away. He didn't get to mourn the loss of the baby, and by the time he found out about it, you didn't want to talk about it any more," Haley explained.

"He was just so angry the whole time I was here. That Christmas was horrible." Peyton took a sip of water before tucking her legs beneath her on the couch.

"That's why you left early? Because Lucas was mad?" Haley moved so she was sitting on the coffee table so she could look Peyton in the eye as they spoke.

"He wouldn't look at me, Haley. He barely talked to me. He didn't ask how I was or anything. He treated me like I had lied to him or something. I just didn't know how to tell him until then. That first night I was here, he kissed my stomach like he always did, and I just broke down and told him everything. It wasn't supposed to be like that for us, you know?" Peyton sobbed.

"He just needed time," Haley insisted.

"Is that why he didn't call me for three weeks?" Peyton asked, getting irritated. "Three weeks without a word."

"What did he say when he did call?" Haley asked, unsure if she wanted to hear the answer.

"He said he didn't know how I could keep that from him. I said that I was going to tell him, but when I lost the baby I thought it might be better if he didn't know. He said everything was different and he needed time to think about things," Peyton said. "He said he could never look at me the same."

"I guess I can understand that," Haley muttered. She could understand it, but she was less than proud at how her best friend had handled the situation.

"Why? What was so different? I was scared and so depressed and I needed him. And he basically called me a liar and told me I was a different person to him. So I told him if that was what he thought about me, then maybe we should take a break. He got even angrier about that, even though it was basically what he was getting at in the first place. He said that if I didn't want to be with him, then a break wouldn't do any good."

"Peyton..."

"He broke my heart even more. I needed him and _he_ pushed _me_ away, not the other way around," Peyton explained.

"Peyton," Haley said, wiping the tears from her face. "I'm so sorry. I was terrible to you."

"It's OK. You have loyalty to Lucas."

"No. You were my friend and you needed me, and I wasn't there for you," Haley insisted sadly. Peyton slipped her hands into Haley's and there was an unspoken forgiveness there. What happened had happened, but this was their new beginning. They finally understood each other.

Nathan walked in the house to see the two women in tears. He hadn't expected his wife and Peyton to even be speaking, nor did he expect whatever drama was going on at that moment. Both girls spun to see who had walked through the door, and he offered them a weak smile.

"Water under the bridge," Peyton said, turning back to Haley, and feeling the corners of her lips tugging slightly skyward. The two shared a hug as Nathan stood uncomfortably. He never really knew how to act with crying women, though he'd seen enough of them in his time.

"Peyton," Nathan spoke after a moment. "Julian called the house for you. Something about a contract someone sent to your place."

"Your boyfriend?" Haley asked. She knew, courtesy Nathan's inability to keep his voice down while he talked on the phone, that Peyton had been seeing someone for a few years.

"Um," Peyton stuttered. Dammit, she _had_ to tell the truth. "Yeah...about that..."

"You two broke up?!" Nathan asked hurriedly. He had met the man once, while on a trip he and Brooke took to L.A. to visit. He hadn't been crazy about the guy at first, but Peyton seemed happy, so he kept his mouth shut. Eventually, he realized that Julian was a good man, he just wasn't Lucas, so Nathan's original opinion had been biased.

Was it too late to back out of this? Could she just cover it up with something else? Say they were engaged? No. She owed it to Julian - the man she loved - to tell the truth.

"Actually," Peyton began. "He's my husband."

The silence that followed wasn't exactly a comfortable one. Haley looked up at Nathan, questioning without words how he could keep that from her. His only response was to shrug his shoulders and shake his head. He walked around the couch to sit next to Peyton and looked at her expectantly.

"When the hell did that happen?" he finally asked.

"Monday," she admitted quietly. The looks exchanged told her she needed to explain. "We just woke up and he said he wanted to marry me. We got dressed and went to City Hall."

"Who else knows?" Haley asked. What she was really asking was, _'does Lucas know?'_

"Including you guys? You guys."

"Why aren't you wearing a ring? Why didn't you tell anyone?" Nathan asked.

She stood and grabbed her purse off the counter, fishing the gleaming platinum band out and holding it up to show her friends.

"I don't want him to know. I know it sounds so self-absorbed to think that it would hurt him more than he's already hurting, but I don't want him to know just in case," she rambled as she sat back down. She didn't have to say his name for them to know who 'he' was.

"I think you're right. He shouldn't find out right now. Not with...everything. It's just too much," Nathan insisted.

"I know," Peyton said softly. "I feel horrible keeping it a secret, though. I want to wear the ring and be with him. But you guys need me here. I need you guys, too." Nathan and Haley both nodded.

Haley could think of only a few things. Peyton was more concerned about hurting Lucas than most exes would be, even in the situation. She also knew that knowing Peyton was married would destroy Lucas' already fragile heart. It had only taken five minutes in the presence of the two blondes the night before to see that there was more to their relationship than either of them would admit to; perhaps _they_ weren't even aware of it.

"Lucas is going to be leaning on you, you know that," Haley said. "For some reason, you're the only one who can help him through this stuff."

"Try not to sound too bitter, there, Hales," Nathan teased, earning himself a slap to the leg as both women laughed.

"We all need each other, right?" Peyton said, looking directly at Haley, a weak smile breaking on her lips.

Brooke walked in on the sentimental moment and stopped in the middle of the doorway. She didn't know what the hell was going on, but her two best friends had tearstained faces. She was thankful that Nathan was there to play mediator, but upon closer inspection, she noticed the small smiles and felt the relief wash over her, knowing that the two women she cared most about in the world had reconciled their differences.

Haley waved Brooke over and she smiled widely and let out an excited squeal before diving across Nathan and Peyton's laps, making them groan and laugh before she sat up and squirmed to sit between them. Haley leaned forward and the four of them shared a long overdue group hug.

But there was someone missing, and it seemed they all realized it at the same time.

"Peyton," Haley started. "Maybe you should go track Lucas down."

"Why me?" she asked.

"Because you have like, spidey senses when it comes to finding him!" Haley said, making them all laugh again.

"OK. I'll go. Any message to relay?" she asked as she stood and grabbed her bag.

"I talked to my lawyer," Brooke said. "He's going to look over the will and everything and go over the business stuff. It's not urgent, but Luke needs to decide what he's doing. Maybe just let him know that he's got to think about it at some point."

Peyton nodded before leaving the house again. She took the ring from where she'd put it in the pocket of her jeans, and zipped it back into the inside pocket of her purse. She felt guilty for feeling so good given the circumstances, but she knew that Karen had wanted she and Haley to end their long-running feud, and it only seemed fitting that they end it now, when she had inadvertently brought them back together. Sitting in her car, she spoke aloud to the woman, apologizing for taking so long to clear the air.

----

He was exactly where she expected him to be, and she had to laugh to herself remembering Haley's words. Maybe she did have a sixth sense when it came to Lucas.

She walked up the steps of his childhood home and took a deep breath, completely unsure about what state he'd be in when she saw him.

He offered a weak smile when he heard her walk in, but inside, he was just happy that she had been the one to come. He was laying on the sofa with his right hand behind his head and his left resting on his chest, and the sounds of John Coltrane flowing through the room. He wasn't doing anything else. Just listening.

"Her favourite," Peyton smiled, sitting herself down on the floor next to the sofa.

"She loved it," he laughed. "When I was a kid, I'd complain about it. She gave me the biggest hug the day I told her I actually liked it."

"You mean after I explained to you how and why Coltrane was so amazing?" Peyton teased. He just laughed and shook his head, knowing she was right.

The two sat through _I'm Old Fashioned_ without speaking. 7 minutes and 58 seconds without words. Just Coltrane's smooth lines stimulating their senses.

"How are you?" he asked.

The question caught her off guard. She should have been the one to ask him that, not the other way around. She knew what he was referring to, however. They had never been together for this warped anniversary. He had never called her, though Nathan had told her that Lucas always asked how she had been, knowing his brother would have talked to her.

"I'm...dealing," she said honestly. He just nodded.

"Peyton," he said, barely above a whisper.

"Yeah?" Her gaze moved from the floor to his eyes, and she noticed he was tearing up again. She almost wished she hadn't looked. She couldn't stand to see him hurting.

"I'm sorry."

He had never said it. Not in the years since they had been apart. He'd never spoken those words to her, though she'd wanted for so long to hear them. All she'd wanted was to hear his voice tell her he was sorry and that he was wrong to react the way he had. She'd given up hope after a while, and no longer held a grudge. She knew he'd only reacted the way he had because he was hurt and scared and confused.

But it still made her feel good to hear him say it now.

"Me too." She managed to choke back the sob that was threatening to escape.

"I wish I could have saved you from it," he admitted, sitting up and taking her hand to pull her onto the couch next to him. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

"You went through it, too," she pointed out sadly. Suddenly all the guilt she felt originally for having not told him sooner had flooded back.

"It's not the same," he said, shaking his head. "You know, my whole life I've been trying so hard not to be like Dan. And then I did the same thing he did."

"Lucas..."

"No, I did," he insisted. "I walked away from someone who loved me because I was selfish."

"Luke, if I had just told you right away..."

"But you were scared," he interrupted again, taking her hand in his again. "You were alone and all I talked about was coaching and writing. I didn't understand why you kept it from me at the time. But I understand now. I just want you to know that I am not proud of how I acted."

"Me neither," she said quietly.

"Come here," he said, pulling her into a hug. He kissed her hair before he released her and he wiped her eyes with his thumb before he wiped his own. He wasn't ashamed or embarrassed to cry in front of her. She soothed him. She settled into his side and he draped his arm over her shoulder to pull her closer to him. They weren't sure how long they sat like that, just holding each other and breathing together with jazz in the background.

"You ever wonder what would have happened if..." she started.

"All the time," he nodded sadly.

"Me too," she whispered for the second time since arriving.

She loved Julian, she did. But she'd be lying if she said she had never thought about what her life would have been like if she hadn't lost the baby. Or if she'd just told Lucas right away when she discovered she was pregnant.

And for a brief, fleeting moment, born out of guilt or grief or the comfort of being with the man next to her, she wished that he was the one she'd married.

And then the moment was gone.


	5. Chapter 5

Peyton didn't call Julian after her conversation with Lucas. The friends all met up at Brooke's place and spent the evening talking like they had the night before. Sure, she could have excused herself for a few minutes to check in with him. But she didn't.

And she had no idea why.

Or maybe she did and she just didn't want to admit it.

Lucas had heard through the grapevine that Peyton had been seeing someone in L.A. He had expected her to, really. She was _Peyton_. There was no way she'd stay single for long. It hurt him at first, but they had broken up and he had let her go. He just wanted her to be happy. He wasn't sure if they were still together, or if she was with someone new or if she was single. It wasn't brought up.

But since they'd finally talked about what had happened, and she'd told him that she wondered what would have happened if they hadn't lost their baby...well, he was starting to feel something for her. He didn't know what it was. He didn't know if it was even real. But it was there. It was something.

Lucas and Nathan had a field day making fun of Peyton and Haley for feuding for years and reconciling in a matter of about a half hour. It was all in good humour, and sparked a battle between the women and the men, including Jamie, who wasn't really sure what was going on.

The game was Texas Hold 'Em, and the stakes were painfully low. The couple hours they played were full of laughter and teasing and challenges and empty threats and smack talk. Little did everyone know that Julian played a weekly game and had taught Peyton how to play so she could join in when it was his turn to host.

The girls won, putting even more shame to the boys. Lucas and Nathan tried to blame it on having a child on their team, but it was no use. They knew they'd been beaten fairly.

"Didn't know you were a card sharp, Sawyer," Nathan teased, bumping her shoulder with his fist as they tidied the kitchen and rinsed the empty glasses that had accumulated.

"Who? Me?" she asked innocently. "Julian plays. I might have picked up a thing or two."

"A thing or two? I'm glad we were playing for pennies," he laughed.

They washed the dishes quickly while everyone else continued chatting, and just as Peyton was going to rejoin her friends, Nathan cupped her elbow with his hand, pulling her attention back to him.

"Tough day, huh?" he asked as he crossed his arms.

"Yeah," Peyton sighed, looking back to the group as they laughed at something Jamie said. Her gaze fell on one person in particular. "We finally talked about it, though. Me and Lucas."

"That's good. Long overdue," Nathan said with a genuine smile. "I am dreading tomorrow."

"I know," she agreed. "I don't really know how he's going to take it, you know?"

"Just promise me you'll help him through it," Nathan said seriously, looking at her intensely as she furrowed her brow at the request. "I don't know what it is about you, but you always seem to fix him."

"We're just the same," she said, shaking her head at how simple it was. "I just know how he is."

"You'd think that would go away after all this time apart," Nathan said.

She wasn't sure what he was getting at, but she didn't necessarily know how to respond to that. Was he implying that she still had feelings for Lucas? That there was still something between them? Did he know something she didn't? Did Lucas still love her? Had the two talked about her? The more she thought about it, the more she hated herself for allowing herself to think about it.

"It'll always be there," she said softly, looking back at the blonde in the living room.

Nathan just smiled weakly to himself. He didn't know what that meant, really, but he knew it must mean something. Peyton loved her..._husband_...but it didn't take a genius to see and know that she and Lucas had always run a little deeper than everyone else. He walked past her into the living room and announced that he, Haley, and Jamie should head home as it was getting late and the next day was going to be a busy one.

Lucas stood as well, reaching into his pocket for his keys before remembering that Peyton had driven him.

"We'll drop you off," Haley offered.

"Don't be silly," Peyton said as she rejoined them. "It's out of your way. I'll take him."

"Guys, I _can_ walk," Lucas laughed. He appreciated the concern, but he was starting to think his friends had forgotten he was a grown man.

"The hell you can!" Brooke interjected.

"Brooke!" Haley scolded, pointing down to Jamie and making the brunette mouth an apology.

"Come on, Scott. You know you can't resist the rental Toyota," she teased as she pulled on her sweater and reached for her purse.

They two started off down the street after saying their goodbyes, and where Peyton knew she was supposed to take a left, she instead took a right.

"Peyt, my house is that way," Lucas informed her, pointing in the correct direction.

"I know," she nodded, momentarily taking her eyes off the road to glance at him.

"OK...?" he drawled out, furrowing his brow questioningly.

"It's been a long time since the two of us just drove," she said with a smile as she rested her left arm against the door of the car. "Granted, the Mustang is a _bit_ cooler than this thing, but it'll have to do."

He just laughed and shook his head as he watched her put in a CD. A slow blues riff filled the car and he immediately loved the song.

"What's this?" he asked.

"It's just a mix of some modern blues stuff. Only the slow songs," she informed him with a grin. She'd once told him that she was a sucker for a slow-burning blues ballad, and she'd gone through her entire record collection to play him her favourites.

"It's nice," he said, leaning back against the head rest. He knew that she would know that those two simple words referred to more than just the music.

For two songs, they didn't speak. They just listened the the music and the hum of the pavement as the tires carried them over the back roads of the sleeping town.

His mind drifted to how far apart the two were. They had barely spoken in years, and even when they had, it was mere pleasantries passed through a third party and brief emails exchanged on birthdays. He had been thankful to even have that. But this, right now, driving with her, felt oddly perfect. He didn't know how to tell her that, so he didn't try.

"So have you thought about what you're going to do with the café and Tric?" she asked, snapping him from his reverie.

"Not really," he said. "I mean, neither will be closing, I know that much. Deb said she'll help me with the business stuff until I can figure it all out."

"Good," she said resolutely. "I can't imagine a Tree Hill without them."

He smiled at the sentimental side of her. "Me neither."

They were silent again for a while as she steered the car to a place he instinctively knew she'd take them. River Road. Why? He wasn't sure. He didn't care. He just liked the nostalgia. They both got out and let the music fill the night as they leaned against the car, standing shoulder to shoulder with their arms crossed.

"How are you?" he asked, repeating his words from earlier that morning.

"I love stars," she said, looking skyward. She knew it didn't answer his question...but it kind of did. She had missed it. Silence. Stars. Late night drives in the dark with great music. Places that hold memories. _Lucas_.

"Yeah," he agreed as he looked up at the vast darkness above them.

It made him feel...It just made him _feel_. Whatever she was doing, whatever she was, and whatever it was that she was emitting, it just made him feel something that he'd missed in all the years since she'd been away. He didn't know what it was, but he feared it was love. And he feared it because he knew there was no way she was feeling it too.

"I should probably get you home," she said abruptly. "That was, after all, the task at hand."

"Who says you can't take a detour every now and again?" he said, bumping her shoulder with his.

Once they were back in the car, his left hand found her right one, and their fingers remained intertwined as she took the long way back to his house. A song came on that made his heart ache because it was so fitting.

"Who's this?" he asked.

"Colin James. He's Canadian," she said softly. She knew the lyrics had hit him the same way they had hit her in that moment.

_I'm still searching for the warm glow of the limelight that I used to know with you._

"It's good," he muttered.

He hated himself for loving every damned second of being with her.

She stopped in front of his house and they just sat for a moment at the curb. Truthfully, he didn't want to let go of her hand. It was silly and childish, but he wanted to hold her hand forever. He was actually surprised she'd let him do it for that long.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow," he finally said.

"Yeah," she said with a gentle and sympathetic nod.

No more words were spoken. He leaned forward and they each pressed a chaste kiss to the others' cheek, then he closed the door behind him.

Peyton drove home and entered the quiet house, discovering that Brooke had already retired for the night. She went into her own room and got ready for bed, and when she laid her head down on the pillow, she could still feel the warmth of his kiss on her cheek.

----

Peyton woke and walked into the kitchen, where Brooke handed her a mug of coffee and some toast for breakfast. Neither said a word. The sadness was lingering like a black cloud and both feared that if they spoke even one word, they would break down completely. Once they had finished eating, they went to their rooms and got ready for the day.

To her surprise, Brooke was ready before Peyton. Her dark locks had been pulled up off her back and pinned in place. She wore a simply long sleeved black dress cut just above the knee, and a simple pair of black heels. Her diamond studs were the only jewelry she wore.

Peyton emerged and saw Brooke waiting quietly on the sofa. She had opted to leave her hair down, hoping it would work as a shield to hide the many tears she knew she'd shed. Her dress, she noticed, was the same length as Brooke's, but it was sleeveless and had a criss cross at the back. Brooke smiled noticing her friend wearing one of her designs.

Broke stood and walked to embrace her best friend, wanting to relish the time the two of them had alone, knowing the rest of their day would be spent around, well, nearly everyone in the town.

"We better get over to Luke's," Brooke said quietly as they pulled apart. "I'll drive."

----

Haley had gotten dressed and gone to Lucas' house as early as she could. She found him drinking coffee in silence and he offered her a smile when he saw her walk to sit next to him. He was glad she had come. He needed his best friend.

"Stupid question, but you OK?" she asked with a chuckle.

"I'm OK," he assured her with a nod. "This day just came way too soon."

"I know," she agreed, taking his hand in hers.

"Where are Nathan and Jamie?" he asked.

"At the house waiting for the caterers. I needed some time with my best friend," she said with a weak smile.

"That reminds me," he said, standing from his seat and walking out of the room. He returned a few moments later holding a small black box. "I have something for you."

"What is this?" she asked, before opening the box. The tears sprang to her eyes immediately. "Luke."

"She would want you to have it," he insisted with a smile. He took the box from her and grasped the silver necklace in his hands before walking behind her and fastening it around her neck.

"Thank you," she whispered, taking the familiar heart pendant between her fingers.

"Thank you, Haley. Again. For everything. And for patching things up with Peyton." He spoke clearly and looked her in the eyes to prove just how grateful he was.

"You don't have to thank me. And I am glad she and I worked it out," Haley said with a smile. She glanced at the clock, then back at him. "You better go get ready. The girls will be here soon, and Nathan and Jamie won't be long either."

"Alright," he nodded, standing from his chair again. He pulled her up by the hand and grabbed her into a hug. He kissed the top of her head before he released her and went up the stairs to his room without another word.

Haley wasn't alone for long. About a half hour later, Brooke and Peyton walked into the house and the three women embraced while trying to keep their emotions in check. They day had barely started and they were already having a hard time getting through it.

Peyton noticed the necklace hanging around Haley's neck, and picked up the pendant. Brooke and Peyton just smiled as Haley nodded. She reached up to wipe away the tear that had fallen.

The three of them sat and chatted for another half hour until Nathan and Jamie strolled in, and Nathan announced that the car that would be taking himself, Haley, Jamie, and Lucas to the cemetery had arrived. There was still no sign of Lucas.

"Peyton, maybe you should go," Haley offered. Peyton simply nodded, unsure of what to expect.

She walked up the stairs and tapped lightly on his open door before walking towards him where he sat at the edge of the bed. His tie was undone, she noticed, but otherwise, he looked handsome in his black suit and blue shirt.

"Lucas, honey, the car is here." She spoke quietly, not wanting to disrupt his thoughts too harshly. It surprised her how easily the term of endearment rolled off her tongue.

"OK," he said before taking a deep breath. He turned to her and couldn't help his eyes from passing over her. She certainly knew how to make a tasteful black dress look incredible.

"Want me to do your tie?" she asked as he stood from the bed. He looked down and she could judge by his expression that he hadn't realized it was hanging undone around his neck.

"You don't think a man of 25 knows how to tie a tie?" he asked with a grin. He didn't know how she could still make him smile. How she could make him smile _today_.

She shook her head and rolled her eyes at the joke before reaching out for the material and working it expertly.

"I really can do this myself," he repeated. He watched her face intently as she concentrated on the task.

"I know you can," she said, looking up to meet his eyes. "I wanted to."

She'd always thought it an intimate act, tying a man's tie. Julian had only let her do it once, and even then only because she promised to allow him something he wanted in return. He always insisted on tying his own tie, and while she enjoyed watching him do it on his own, she always wished he'd let her every once in a while.

Lucas always had. In fact, she wasn't sure she had ever seen him tie his own tie while she was around to do it.

"Thank you," Lucas said softly when she'd finished. He took her hands in his.

"It's nothing. Daddy taught his girl well," she laughed.

"Not just that," he said simply.

"I know," she mouthed, nodding her understanding. "Come on."

He held her hand until they reached the top of the stairs, then released her so she could walk down ahead of him. He joined Nathan, Haley, Jamie, and Brooke in his living room and he could tell that they had all - including Nathan - been crying already. Lucas just smiled weakly and headed out the door. Peyton gave them a reassuring nod, though she wasn't sure what it indicated, and they followed Lucas to the car.

----

Lucas stood between Nathan and Peyton. He was steadfast and stoic. He did not cry. Maybe he was out of tears. Maybe he wanted to appear strong. Maybe he had just tuned out everything around him; he was numb.

Haley clung to Nathan's arm with Jamie on her other side holding Brooke's hand. They hadn't originally wanted him to attend, but he had insisted that he needed to go.

As expected, nearly half the town had shown up, and those who couldn't attend had sent flowers. Peyton's father had sent a simple bouquet of lilies, and she knew that Julian must have called him, because she hadn't thought to. Whitey was there, and Skills, Mouth, Junk and Fergie. Deb stood next to Brooke, dabbing her eyes with a tissue when necessary. Almost anyone who ever met her was there to say goodbye, including a lot of people Peyton didn't recognize.

Halfway through the service, Lucas took a sharp, audible breath and then felt Peyton's hand grab onto his. She wasn't sure why she'd done it. She couldn't explain. But truthfully, it comforted her as much as she'd hoped it would comfort him.

Peyton stood by Lucas as the crowd thinned. He did not move. He stared straight ahead or at Keith's neighbouring headstone. Peyton indicated to their friends that it was OK for them to go ahead to Nathan and Haley's place. She just clutched his hand and stood with him.

"Lucas." The voice cut through the silence as the man walked towards them.

"Andy," Lucas offered a weak smile. "Thanks for coming."

"Of course. I'm so sorry," he said quietly, sending a broken smile to the two blondes. Peyton noticed that his eyes held the same redness as everyone else's. "Listen, I can't stay, but I wanted to let you know that I have taken care of everything."

"What?" Lucas asked, surprised.

"The costs. They are taken care of," Andy clarified.

"No. I can't accept that," Lucas said, shaking his head.

"It's done. And I insist." Andy extended his hand and Lucas shook it gratefully.

"Thank you," he whispered, taken aback by the man's generosity.

"Keep in touch, Lucas. If you need anything, I'm just a phone call away." Andy's tone was sincere and honest, just like it had always been. He hugged Peyton gently and kissed her cheek. "Good to see you, Peyton."

He walked away to his waiting limousine, and Lucas turned to look at Peyton with surprise in his eyes. She shrugged, just as astounded as he was.

"You ready?" she asked, wiping a tear from her own cheek.

"Not really," he admitted, looking into her eyes.

She nodded in response and led him to one of the nearby benches that lined the cemetery. And they sat. She signaled for their driver to leave, knowing they might be a while, and that they could make the short walk to Nathan and Haley's house when Lucas was ready. She wouldn't push him. She wouldn't force him to talk or cry or do anything. She would follow his lead and let him do whatever he had to do.

So they sat.

"Tell me something," he insisted after a full hour of silence.

"What do you want to hear?" she asked, her hand still tucked firmly in his.

"Tell me a story about your mom." He turned to look her in the eyes and she was reminded that when she looked at him, she could always see everything in him.

"Which one?" she laughed, making him chuckle with her. She knew what he meant, she just wanted to see a smile, no matter how small.

"She used to dance," Peyton said, looking across the grass towards her mother's headstone. "She was always dancing around the house. The radio was always on, so she'd be making dinner and she'd be shaking her hips and singing along like no one else was around."

Lucas listened intently as she spoke. He had always loved to hear stories about Peyton from before he knew her. They always reminded him how spirited she was and made him wonder how much of her mother was in her. A lot, he suspected.

"Dad would always come home from work and just shake his head at her. It was hilarious," she said with a laugh. "She'd twirl around and sing into her spatula and he'd say she was crazy, but all three of us knew he loved it. It was our tradition, I guess, that every time the Spin Doctors came on, I would get up and dance with her. We had our own little routine."

"Wow," he laughed, running his thumb over her knuckles.

"After she was gone, it was just so quiet. For three days we basically lived in silence, other than the crying, which neither of us were ashamed about. Finally, one night after dinner, I couldn't take it any more. I turned on the radio, and guess what was on?"

"Spin Doctors," Lucas laughed.

"Yup. And as much as dad had made fun of us for our dancing, he just looked at me and smiled. It was the first smile I'd seen on him since she died. So I started doing the moves. Right there in the kitchen in my pajamas."

"I can totally see you doing that," he said with a smile.

"Can you see my dad doing it?" she laughed. "Because he knew every step and he got up and started dancing with me."

"He did not."

"Yup. To this day, any time either of us hear the Spin Doctors, we'll call each other and laugh about it."

Lucas just shook his head, imagining Larry and Peyton performing a choreographed dance routine in the kitchen of that old house.

"You know what I love?" he asked, turning to face her and draping his arm over the back of the bench.

"What's that?" She looked at him again and noticed his smirk was back - that smirk that had always seemed to be there when they were together.

"I love that you and I have known each other for, what, 8 years? And I can still learn these things about you that I never knew before," he explained.

"I love that, too," she said softly as she smiled. It wasn't the lie she wished it was.

For a moment - just a moment - he pretended that she had said different words.

He pretended she had said _'I love you, too.'_

----

After another hour and a half of silence or chatting or a strange mixture of both, Peyton convinced him it was time to head to Nathan and Haley's before they sent people looking for him. They walked the short distance to the house and she noticed him visibly tense when he saw the all the cars lining both sides of the street.

"Hey," she said, calling his attention to her. "I know this is the worst part, but you have to do it."

"I know," he said with a nod. "It's just...a lot."

"I know," she said, rubbing his back with her hand. "Listen, if you need to get out of there, just say the word and we'll go, OK?"

"OK," he agreed. He wasn't sure what he'd done to deserve her caring so much, but he wasn't going to ask for fear that it would stop.

Lucas had managed to eat some food between talking to people, and he'd occasionally throw Peyton a smile across the room. He knew every time he saw her looking, that she was checking to make sure he was still alright.

"He OK?" Nathan asked as he walked to stand beside Peyton.

"He will be," she said, looking up at her friend.

"How about you?" he inquired, taking her empty wine glass and setting it on the nearby counter.

"I'm alright. I'm glad I can help him," she said with a smile. "But I miss Julian."

"I bet you do," he nodded. "So much for the honeymoon, huh?"

"Stop!" she laughed. "If Brooke finds out right now, we're going to have a really ugly scene."

"Oh jeez. You're right," he cringed. "The last thing we need is another Brooke-Peyton showdown in a crowd of people."

She smacked him on the arm, then as if on cue, her phone rang in the small purse she was carrying, and she looked to see that it was her husband. God, it still felt strange to even think of calling him that.

She showed Nathan the screen and he nodded his head again as she stepped out onto the back patio to take the call.

"Hey. I was just thinking about you," she said after pressing the talk button.

"Oh reallllly? Sexy things?" he asked with a cheeky tone to his voice.

"Julian, I'm at a funeral. Not exactly the first thing on anyone's mind right now. Except yours, apparently," she pointed out. Normally, she'd laugh at his innuendo, but the timing was just horrible. She wondered why he didn't realize that. He may have been trying to help, but it wasn't.

"I just miss you," he admitted. "How are things going?"

"They're...going. It's been rough. But Haley and I worked everything out," she informed him. She was pacing for reasons she couldn't explain. She just couldn't sit still any more.

"That's great, baby," he assured her. She could hear him smile. He knew all about her past. She had kept nothing from him. He knew about Lucas and the baby and the breakup and her friends. And he didn't judge.

"So I was thinking," he started. "I can get away for a couple days...."

"No!" she insisted quickly. "Really, it's OK."

"You know, you being so adamant about it doesn't really convince me you don't need me," he explained. "In fact, it might do the opposite."

"You know I need you," she said softly. "It's just...there's so much going on and I don't want..."

"To have to worry about me, too?" he finished.

"It's not that, Julian, you know that," she explained. "I doubt I'll stay much longer anyway. It would be silly for you to come all the way out here."

"Alright," he sighed. He paused for a moment as they both wondered why she'd insisted so quickly that he not go to Tree Hill.

"Listen, I should go," she said sadly. She felt terrible that she had hardly talked to him since she had left him at the airport, but she knew he would understand. Wouldn't he?

"OK. Just keep me posted on when you're coming home," he pleaded.

_Home_. She'd only been in Tree Hill less than three days and already she was confused on what _home_ was. Yes, home was with Julian. But...home was with her friends, too. She couldn't remember laughing as much as she had in the last few days, and the circumstances that had brought them all together again were not joyous ones.

"I will."

"I'll talk to you later," he said quietly. She could hear the sadness in his voice and it damn near broke her heart.

"Hey," she got his attention before he hung up. "I miss you, too. I love you, Julian."

"I love you, too, babe," he laughed. For some reason, he had needed that reassurance. He shouldn't have doubted it, but the distance was making him insecure. He always hated being away from her, but he was usually the one who traveled. Now he knew what she felt every time he left her alone in their house for days at a time.

She let out a long breath after she tucked her phone back into her purse. She could have probably left that evening. The funeral was over and everyone was healing. Yet, she felt like she needed to stay. She _wanted_ to stay.

She walked back into the house and looked around for Lucas, only to see him standing alone with his hands on the counter in front of him, head bowed. She knew he was done. He couldn't handle any more. She walked over to where he stood and placed her hand gently on his back, right between his shoulder blades. She'd learned as a teenager that her simple touch there could somehow dissolve his tension. Sure enough, she felt him relax beneath her touch without even looking to see who it was. He knew. He just knew.

"Let's go," she whispered. He nodded, and she caught Haley's gaze across the room. The two women had a conversation without words, and Haley knew exactly what was going on.

They walked to his house in silence most of the way. She wanted to ask what had gotten to him - who had gotten to him - but she knew better than to ask. He would talk if and when he was ready.

She wanted nothing more than to gather him in her arms and cry with him. Stepping through the door of his house, he didn't hesitate to pull her into a hug that embraced her so completely, it made her feel just..._safe_. She realized that she should have been the one holding him, not the other way around, but a part of her felt that healing her would heal him; that just holding her would fix the ache she knew was in his heart.

He pulled away from her, but her arms remained around him. She sniffled as he brushed a lock of hair out of her face, and she looked up at him and noticed the tears on his own cheeks. The sadness in her eyes broke him even more. He knew she was crying for him. He couldn't comprehend why she would, after everything he'd put her through, but he knew her tears were for him. And it made him cry even harder.

When she reached up to wipe the tears from his cheek, he took her hand in his and pressed a kiss to her palm before turning and heading up the stairs.

She wasn't sure what made her do it, but she followed him. Looking into his broken eyes, she felt something for him that she hadn't felt for him in nearly 5 years.

Love.

She didn't know what it meant, but she didn't have the strength to question it. Instead, she stood in the doorway of the bedroom she'd only been in once before - earlier that day - and watched as he loosened his tie and ran his hand over the back of his neck. The grief and sadness radiated off him.

He saw her there and walked toward her, offering the weakest smile she'd ever seen him wear.

She hadn't expected the kiss he pressed her lips. This wasn't what she'd followed him for. But she didn't stop him either. Something inside her wouldn't let her. His hand caressed her cheek like that's what it was made to do, and she lost herself in him.

Until she thought of the ring tucked away in her bag. God, what was she doing?

"Lucas," she protested. It came out as more of a whimper than a call to attention. Maybe it was.

He did not relent. He just kept kissing her and touching her in ways he had no right to any more. Only one man should have been kissing her and touching her this way, and he was in L.A., completely unaware of what his wife was doing.

"Lucas," she tried again.

"I need you," he said breathlessly. "I need to feel you."

"No. We can't do this," she insisted, taking a couple steps away from him.

"Please," he pleaded, walking towards her. "I need to feel something other than grief. I need to feel something." She backed up again but her back was met with the wall, sending a 'thud' through the room. "Please, Peyton."

She noticed the tear trailing down his cheek and it broke her own heart. His hand was on her hip and his mouth was on hers again before she could say another word. He moved to her neck and found the one spot that made her fall apart. The one spot that only he knew about. The one spot Julian had yet to discover. And no one kissed her like Lucas. No one touched her like he did.

"Please," he repeated.

She wanted to push him away. She wanted to tell him this was all wrong. She wanted to insist that he was just avoiding the problems and the pain. She wanted to tell him that this wasn't going to fix anything. But when she tasted the salt of his tear as she kissed him back, she was lost for words completely. Another look in those broken blue eyes of his and she knew that she'd fix him any way she could. She'd do anything for him. And she hated herself for that. But if hating herself meant that his pain was diminished, she'd do it. And she had no clue why; that was just the way it had always been.

"Don't leave me," he mumbled against her collar bone.

His words weren't needed and he knew that, but he had to say them anyway. It was a desperate plea that he knew she would have heard even if he hadn't voiced it. There was no one in the world who could make him feel the way she did, and though he felt her giving in to him, he needed to remind her of that. He wouldn't have been able to take it if she walked away now.

She knew she was a goner. She knew that no rational thought could save her now. Nothing existed but him and her and this room and his breath hot on her skin and his hand on her bare thigh beneath the fabric of her dress. It was just them.

It was just them.


	6. Chapter 6

She woke up in his arms, surrounded by darkness, but only savored the feeling for a moment before feeling like she was going to be sick. What had she done? She had cheated on her boyfriend. Her _husband_. She couldn't stop the tears, though she hated that she had to cry them. She broke herself from his hold and stood from the bed. She had to perform the humiliating task of tracking down her underwear before slipping her dress back on. He hadn't woken yet, and she couldn't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

She had just gotten to his bedroom door when he called out her name. She couldn't turn around. If she turned around, he'd see her tears, and she'd have to see the hurt on his face as she walked away.

"Where are you going?" he asked, his voice thick with sleep.

"I have to go," she said lamely. It didn't answer his question and she knew that would infuriate him, but it was all she could come up with.

"No you don't," he insisted. He knew she didn't have work or obligations. He knew she could have stayed with him all night. He drew the conclusion that she just didn't want to.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, trying to hide the sadness she knew he'd hear anyway.

She was out the door and down the stairs before he could say another word.

----

It was nearly midnight by the time Peyton made her way back up the walkway to Brooke's house. She had been forced to walk the whole way home, not that it was that far. It had given her time to think about her actions. It had given her time to let the guilt start to eat away at her.

She wondered what it was about Lucas Scott that made her lose all control. What was it about him that had a hold on her heart and her head even after all these years. She loved Julian. She _loved_ him. Didn't she? She had convinced herself that she loved him more than she ever loved anyone. So why the need to take care of Lucas? Why the need to take away all his pain? And why had it hurt so damn much to walk away from him when he was laying shirtless in rumpled sheets and begging her to stay?

She saw that the light was on as she approached the house, and suspected that Brooke was either waiting up for her, or had simply left the light on so she wouldn't stumble into something. She walked through the door and noticed Brooke was nowhere to be seen, so she went straight into her room and laid down on her side on the bed, still wearing the dress she'd had on all day. Well, for most of the day.

"Hey. Where've you been? I was starting to get worried," Brooke said as she made her way into the room. When she'd heard the door open, the brunette came down the stairs to check on her friend.

"I stayed with Luke for a bit," Peyton said vaguely. She knew that under the circumstances, no questions would be asked. But she still felt guilty to the point of nausea.

"How is he?" Brooke asked quietly, letting her voice show the concern she was feeling.

"I don't know," Peyton whispered. Brooke moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

"What does that mean?" Brooke's hand gently pushed the hair from Peyton's face.

"It means I don't know!" Peyton said, far too harshly. Noting the shocked look on her best friend's face, she apologized. "I'm sorry. I just...I've been trying to hold it together all day and I just can't anymore."

It wasn't a lie. She was confused and guilty and feeling emotions for Lucas that she had no business feeling. Every time she thought about him, she felt like she did as a teenager - that kind of love that was all-consuming. It was all she could feel when she remembered being with him. She thought of how their eyes met right before he kissed her, and how he intertwined their hands above her head as they moved together, and how sweet her name sounded when he whispered it through the darkness. Every time she let her mind drift back to him, there was no Julian. There was no wedding ring in her bag. There was no L.A. or job or obligation or life outside of Tree Hill. There was just love for the man who had taught her how to feel it.

And now she wished he hadn't. She wished she was numb.

She wanted to tell Brooke everything she hadn't been able to say yet. About the marriage and her comfort with Lucas and sleeping with him though every rational part of her told her not to. But she was exhausted, and when she started to cry, Brooke just climbed over her body and laid down, pulling her best friend's back to her chest and letting the girl's tears fall onto the pillow as she sobbed.

At one point, Peyton got up and ran a quick shower to try to wash away the guilt. It didn't work. She slipped into her pajamas and back into bed with her best friend, and started to cry again. Brooke knew then that there was more to the tears than just the grief, but she didn't ask questions. She just laid with her friend until sleep blessed them both.

----

Nathan strolled into Brooke's unusually quiet house around 11:00 the next morning. Almost every time he'd been there before, she had music playing, or was on the phone, or in recent days, she was talking to Peyton or Haley or both. Today was different. There was just silence, and it scared the hell out of him. He had just been getting used to the chaos.

He tiptoed to the open door of the room he knew Peyton was staying in during her visit, and he saw the two girls cuddled up together on the bed, with the blonde's back to Brooke's chest. He crossed his arms, plastered a silly grin on his face, and leaned against the doorway as he watched them. When he cleared his throat, both women stirred and Brooke looked at him through sleepy eyes.

"Who says high school fantasies don't come true?" he teased.

Peyton grumbled something incoherent that might have been a string of curses, as Brooke spoke. "In your dreams, Natey."

"You don't know how true that is," he said with a raised brow.

"Nathan!" the brunette rasped.

"Oh, come on. I am a guy. You two are gorgeous. It's natural," he said as he shrugged his shoulders.

"You're a pig," Peyton mumbled with her eyes still closed.

That was all it took for him to walk over and climb into the bed with them, laying behind Brooke and taking them both in his strong arms. The two girls giggled at his silliness, but all three of them knew that it was exactly what they needed. Lucas may have been the brother with all the right words, but Nathan was the one with the playful side that he knew how to use to cheer everyone up.

When Haley and Jamie walked into the house, they heard the laughter from the room and went to the doorway.

"OK. I _know_ I did not just find my husband in bed with my two best friends!" she joked.

"Come on, Hales. You know this is hot," Brooke said with a kinked brow.

Haley picked up Jamie and ran towards the bed, collapsing with her friends and her husband, and laughing like none of them had in days. It almost felt normal. Nathan kissed Haley quickly and Jamie burrowed between Peyton and Brooke, and they all lay there with their limbs tangled and laughter filling the room.

It was moments like this that made Peyton wonder why the hell she ever left Tree Hill in the first place.

"Where's uncle Luke?" Jamie asked innocently. "Wouldn't be want to be in bed with Brooke and Peyton, too?"

Nathan could not help himself. He laughed. Hard. Hard enough that even the icy glare he got from all three women could not stop him.

"Haley," Brooke sang. "How do you feel about making breakfast?"

"Mmmm," Peyton added, looking at their friend with wide eyes.

"Uh, not so good, Brooke," Haley laughed.

"Why not!?" Brooke pouted.

"Firstly, this is your house, and secondly, we already ate," Haley explained, sitting up and moving so she was positioned at their feet.

"Please?" Peyton begged. "We're soooo hungry."

Both Peyton and Brooke gave their best puppy dog eyes, and Haley just laughed until Nathan gave her his as well.

"What are you doing?" she asked him.

"Maybe I'm hungry, too, Hales," he shrugged.

"We just had a huge breakfast!"

"So," he scoffed. "I'm a growing boy!"

"Is that what I feel against my back?" Brooke teased, making Peyton laugh hysterically again.

"Nathan Scott!" Haley scolded playfully, though she knew her husband only truly had eyes for her. "Fine. I will _help_ you make breakfast. I'm not doing it alone."

"I can live with that," Brooke squealed, clapping her hands excitedly as she climbed over Peyton and Jamie and out of the bed. "We should call Luke, though. Peyton, you think he'll be up yet?"

"How the hel-heck should I know?" she grumbled, correcting herself in Jamie's presence.

"I just meant since you were there so late last night," Brooke shrugged. "I'll call him."

Nathan looked at Peyton and immediately knew there was more to tell. She didn't just get that defensive for no reason - especially not where Lucas was concerned.

"Hey Jamie, why don't you go make sure your mom makes the eggs the way I like?" Nathan suggested, picking up the boy and setting him on his feet on the floor. "Close the door, OK buddy?"

Once Jamie was out of the room, Peyton rolled onto her back, knowing that Nathan was about to start asking questions.

"You know, if you were this perceptive when we were dating, I might not have been so pissed at you all the time," she said with a grin as she looked over at him. He had laid back down on his side so he could look at her, and she wondered for a moment how long it had been since they looked at each other from that angle.

"Come on, Sawyer. What's going on?" he asked. The sarcasm was her biggest defense, and he wasn't going to let her get away with it.

"Nothing," she lied.

"Don't give me that, Peyton. I might not have the same eerie connection with you that he does, but I know when something's wrong," he pressed on. She knew who _'he'_ was.

"I just..." She contemplated telling him the whole story, but thought better of it. She didn't want him to think that she'd taken advantage of his brother or vice versa. She didn't want him to think less of her for cheating on her husband.

God, she had _cheated_ on her _husband_.

"What?" he asked after she'd been silent for too long.

"It's just hard to be back," she said. It was the truth. "Seeing him and going through all the what ifs. And he's hurting so much and it still _kills_ me to see him like that."

"Because you still love him," Nathan said matter-of-factly.

"What?!" she asked, a little too loudly, and a little too defensively.

"Come on, Peyton. It's no secret that you and Luke will always love each other in some way, shape or form," he explained. "And given the circumstances surrounding your breakup...I mean, it's not like you really fell out of love."

She looked up to the ceiling. Was Nathan right? She had always suspected that yes, she would always have loving feelings for Lucas. And for a long time after they broke up, she _was_ still _in_ love with him. Nathan's simple statement made her wonder if she just pushed that aside when she met Julian, but maybe it was still alive in her somewhere.

Everything just got really damn complicated.

Nathan sensed that there was a lot more going on in her head than she was letting on.

"Peyton, do you still...are you still in love with him?" he asked quietly.

She turned her head to look at him, and in those green eyes that had always been such a mystery to him, he finally was able to see something he recognized. He got his answer. He pulled her closer and gathered her in his arms and just held her as she cried. He felt badly for her, knowing how much she loved her life in L.A. He didn't doubt that she loved Julian - and maybe she was in love with him as well - but Julian wasn't Lucas. And anyone who knew Lucas and Peyton, knew that it was _always_ Lucas and Peyton.

He hadn't realized how long the two lay like that until he checked the clock and saw that a half hour had passed. He was a little surprised that no one had come in and interrupted, but he knew that Brooke and Haley would have sensed that something was wrong, too.

There was a gentle tap at the door, and then it opened slowly and Lucas stood in the doorway, looking with worry on his face at the fragile girl in his brother's arms. He walked forward at Nathan's nod of approval, and sat on the edge of the bed. Nathan released Peyton and slid off the bed before patting Lucas' shoulder and closing the door behind him.

Her back was to him, but she knew he was there. She could feel him and smell him and sense him.

"What's wrong?" he asked quietly as he ran his hand up the length of her arm.

"A lot," she muttered. She heard him sigh sadly. She knew he hated it when she was that vague. She just couldn't find it in her to be more specific.

"I should um...apologize for last night," he said softly. His voice broke and she turned to lay on her back so she could see him. "But I'm not going to."

"Luke..."

"I forgot how amazing it was to be with you. Just to be around you. And then you came back and it's like I remembered all the things that I love about you," he said, taking her hand in his as he spoke. "And I know you think that last night was just me needing to escape from everything, but it was so much more than that."

"I know," she said. It was so soft that if he hadn't been watching her face, he wouldn't have known she'd spoken.

Why was it so hard to just tell him the truth? Why couldn't she just say the words?_ 'I'm married'_. Two words. Three syllables. But she couldn't, for the life of her, find the strength to say them. She knew it would break his heart all over again - and maybe hers. But the more she sat there with him, the more she realized that no matter what she did, his heart was going to get broken. And maybe her own as well.

Maybe it was the way his rough hand was so delicately grazing the skin of her arm. Maybe it was how his eyes were looking at her and showing her everything he had to offer. Maybe it was just him. She didn't know what made her do it, but she couldn't stop herself from sitting up, placing her palm on his cheek, and pressing a short, sweet kiss to his lips.

It didn't last more than two seconds, but it ignited something in him the same way being with her the night before had, and that voice in the back of his mind just got louder and louder, telling him that he still loved her more than she could possibly realize.

"I'm starving," she said as she stood.

The truth was, she just needed to get away from him before a simple kiss was the least of her worries. The boy had always been able to cast a spell over her. But now, the stakes were higher than ever. She had too much to lose to get wrapped up in him. She just hoped she hadn't already lost it.

But he'd just said all the perfect words, and it left her more confused than ever. Julian didn't make speeches like that. Probably the closest thing to it was his rambling as he told her he wanted to get married. It was just another thing that she'd convinced herself she didn't need. Julian's words were sweet in a different way. In an 'I'm-going-to-tease-you-relentlessly-and-be-sarcastic-about-this-but-it's-all-out-of-love' sort of way.

They were halfway through a delicious breakfast when Peyton's phone rang in her room. Noticing the ringtone was the one she'd tabbed for Julian, she shot up out of her seat and ran to grab it. She closed the door behind her and Lucas felt the same thing he did that day at the cemetery. He knew he was jumping to conclusions, but dammit, he was jealous.

"Hey," she spoke into the phone. She took in her appearance and realized she looked just terrible. She was in a Lakers tee shirt that belonged to Julian, and a pair of black cotton shorts, and her hair was a complete mess from falling asleep with it mostly wet. Her eyes were puffy and red from crying too many tears in the previous 12 hours. She was surprised Brooke hadn't said anything.

"How's my girl?" he asked. His tone wasn't cheery, like she thought it might be. It was more fitting to what she was feeling. She knew it was because it was the day after the funeral that he was talking that way, but a part of her wondered if the somber tone was caused by some universal message that had been sent to him, letting him know what she'd done.

"I'm OK," she lied. She hated lying to him, even about this. How was she even going to look at him?

"I wish I could be there with you," he said.

"Me too," she choked out. Another lie.

"Don't cry, Peyton, please. I can't handle you crying and me not being able to help you," he pleaded.

And she hated herself more in that moment than she ever had in her life. She was a horrible person. What was she going to do? Even if she went home, she'd have to live with the guilt of knowing she'd been unfaithful. Either that, or she'd have to tell him and risk losing everything. Actually, she _knew_ she would lose everything. The two had had a conversation when they first started dating about cheating, and they both agreed it was a complete deal breaker. She had messed up her entire life - and his - all because she just couldn't say no to Lucas.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, wiping her face hastily.

"Don't be sorry. It's just a tough time. I know yesterday must have been awful," he admitted.

"Yeah. I'm just a mess right now. I'm kind of glad you can't see me," she said with a weak laugh.

"That makes one of us," he laughed. "What are you wearing?"

"Julian!" she hissed.

"Come on! I miss you. Just give me this," he begged. She could already picture him in his office at their home with his feet up on the desk and a grin on his face.

"You're lucky I love you," she said with a smile. It was one of her most used phrases. Any time he'd ask something of her that she didn't want to do, and inevitably she'd give in, she said those words and her heart would flutter at the smile they put on his face. But this time, she felt something completely different when she said them, and she couldn't stop herself from wondering if they were still as true as they used to be.

"I know I am," he replied. His standard response. "Now tell me, so I can picture it."

"You're disgusting," she teased, taking another glance at her tired appearance. Yes, she'd have to glam this up just a little bit.

"No, I'm going through withdrawals!" he laughed.

"It's been three days, babe," she reminded him.

"When was the last time we went three days!?" he asked. His voice was high like it always was when they joked with each other like this.

She knew he was right, so she just laughed. But...it hadn't been three days for her. She felt like she was going to throw up that instant. It was all she could do to keep herself from crying again.

"I'm wearing your Lakers shirt," she said softly. She needed to appease him in hopes of making herself feel better, and she wondered if that was more selfish than anything else she'd done.

"The purple one!?" he asked, surprised, though he already knew the answer. It was the one she always stole, knowing damn well it was his oldest and favourite one. "I've been looking for that!"

"Well, it's on me," she laughed.

"I guess that's as good a place as any," he said. She could picture the cheeky grin on his face, and it made her laugh even harder. "_Please_ tell me that's all you are wearing."

"With my four best friends and a six-year-old in the next room? No."

"Oh. Everyone's there?" he asked. He ignored the question in his mind wondering why she was insinuating that Lucas was one of her best friends, and the jealousy that came along with that. "This game isn't going to be nearly as fun as I wanted it to be."

"You're just going to have to play that game alone, Mr. Baker," she said seductively.

"What do you think I've been doing for the last three days?" he laughed.

"I am _so_ hanging up on you right now!" she exclaimed as she laid back on the bed.

"No, no," he said quickly. "Not yet."

"Julian, I can't really do this right now," she whispered, referring to where he had hoped this conversation was going to go.

"I know," he admitted. "Maybe I just need to hear my wife's voice because she's been away since we got married."

There wasn't contempt or anger in his voice, but it still sounded like an accusation. And that made her angrier with him than she had ever been. She knew he hadn't meant it maliciously, but she felt it was insensitive nonetheless. It hadn't been her choice to leave him, and she thought he understood.

"I have to go," she said, trying to hide the disappointment in her voice. _She_ was disappointed in _him_? She knew she didn't have a right to be, but she couldn't help it.

"Peyton, I didn't mean..."

"I know," she interrupted. "It's just that everyone's here and we're just planning our day."

"Alright," he sighed. He didn't really believe her, but he wouldn't push. Dammit, he missed her. The distance always did this to them. They'd get short with each other. For him, it was because it just hurt him too much to hear her voice and not be near her, so he'd cut their conversations off. "I'll talk to you later, OK? I love you."

"OK. Bye," she said. She hung up quickly before she broke down into sobs again. She moved to the bed and curled up beneath the sheets again, but not before discarding his tee shirt for reasons she couldn't explain, and replacing it with a simple black tank top.

He was left on the other end of the line, on the other side of the country, wondering why she hadn't said those three words back to him.

----

"She's been in there a while," Lucas said as they were clearing their plates and tidying the kitchen.

"Might be work," Nathan rationalized. He knew in his heart that it wasn't true, but he knew the white lie wouldn't hurt. He exchanged a look with his wife and he knew they were both wondering when everything was going to go bad.

They were all sitting at the table, nursing second cups of coffee, or juice in Jamie's case, when a muffled sob came from behind the closed door. Instinctively, Nathan stood from his seat, but Haley stopped him by placing a hand on his arm.

"Luke," she called, pulling him from the state of worry he'd immediately gone into.

"Why me?" he asked.

"The same reason we always send her for you," Brooke explained gently.

If only they knew what he knew, maybe they wouldn't be so eager to send him to take care of her. But he couldn't leave her there crying. He'd never been able to. And part of him felt like he owed it to her to be there for her like she'd been there for him.

He tapped gently on the door before he let himself in. His heart dropped when he saw her tearstained face peeking out from beneath the covers. She reached up to hastily wipe her cheeks, for reasons she couldn't understand. He'd know she was crying. She knew he wouldn't care that she was crying or what she looked like or how hard it was for her to speak through her sobs. He never had.

There were a million questions he wanted to ask. Was she crying over him? What they'd done? Was she conflicted? Did she feel as at home with him as he did with her? Who was on the phone and what had they said to make her break down that way? Could he just hold her and let her cry like she'd let him in previous days?

She tried to smile, but she couldn't physically do it. Of all the people who could have walked through that door, she was glad it was him. That alone sent another wave of tears down her cheeks. She shouldn't have wanted to see him. She should have gotten as far away from him as possible. Maybe she should have left Tree Hill the night before. She could have just left and gone back to her life and pretended that nothing had happened. But she knew, no matter what she did, that the feelings she had for Lucas weren't going to go away as easily as they'd rushed back to her.

"Peyton, you've gotta talk to me," he pleaded, sitting on the edge of the bed next to her. He brushed her hair back from her face gently.

She shook her head violently, letting him know that she just couldn't. She had so many things to say, but she just couldn't. Not yet. Instead, she pulled back the covers and moved to the center of the bed, rolling onto her side so her back was to him. It was a silent invitation for him to lay down with her and puller her body against his. She just needed him to hold her.

She knew that somehow, that would make everything just a little better.

**----  
**

**A/N:** Hey guys. I know some of you are starting to wonder where the heck I'm going to take this story (and how I'm going to get there). The story is all written and finished. I hope you enjoy the rest of it. I'm not going to give anything away...you'll just have to keep reading.

I'm going on vacation this coming Friday, and I want to get this whole thing posted before I leave. So you can expect really quick updates! Please continue reviewing: tell me what you love, are worried about, etc., etc. Thanks!


	7. Chapter 7

When Peyton's crying finally subsided, she fell asleep in his arms, and Lucas felt so many different things that he thought his heart might explode. He was overcome with love for the beautiful girl he never should have let get away. He was worried about what had made her react this way, knowing deep down that it wasn't just his mothers' death. He felt guilty for keeping her from her life in L.A. He felt felt horribly for wanting so badly for her to be part of his. After a while, when he finally couldn't help it any more, he fell asleep with her. Just having her in his arms made him feel calm and rested and _better_.

After a while, Brooke knocked on the door to let the two blondes know that she, Haley, and Nathan were going to take Jamie for ice cream and then head to the River Court. She saw the two sleeping, and then felt Nathan and Haley looking over her shoulder at their friends as they lay cuddled up together. The married couple exchanged another worried glance, one of many they'd shared in the previous days since Peyton revealed that she was married.

"They still look good together, don't they," Brooke mused as they stepped out the front door of her house.

"What about her um...boyfriend?" Haley asked, wondering what the brunette's opinion on Peyton's relationship was.

"Honestly, I'm surprised it lasted this long," Brooke explained as they all started towards the little cluster of shops at the end of Brooke's neighbourhood. Nathan was walking with Jamie a bit ahead of the women, since he sensed the two girls needed some time to talk. "I mean, they've been together for like, four years."

"Why are you surprised?" Haley inquired. As much as Haley and Peyton had allowed their differences separate them over the past several years, she still couldn't shake the fact that Lucas and Peyton never should have broken up.

"Because he's not Lucas," Brooke said with a raised brow. "I mean, Julian is a great guy, and he's helped her through everything. And he _loves_ her. He loves her so much. I just think that she never got over Luke. If I'm being honest, I don't think she ever will. I definitely thought Julian was a rebound."

"I guess not, huh?" Haley scoffed.

"I don't know. Did you not just see what I just saw?" Brooke asked. "You can't tell me that was nothing."

"I know," Haley said with a nod. "That's what I'm afraid of."

Haley should have been furious that Peyton would take her marriage so lightly, and to a degree, she was. But she didn't know Julian. She didn't know what Julian was like or how he treated Peyton or if he made her as happy as Lucas always had. She did know that the circumstances surrounding Peyton and Lucas breaking up were dire, and had they been older when that series of events took place, there was no doubt in her mind that the two would have made it. She just hoped that Lucas and Peyton both knew what they were getting themselves into, and that Peyton hadn't made any rash decisions.

She remembered the first time Peyton ever told her that she was in love with Lucas. They had been kids, just beginning to understand what that particular emotion even was. And she remembered after Lucas and Peyton had finally gotten together during their senior year, the worries Peyton had about him leaving her. Haley understood then, just as she was starting to see now, that the kind of love shared between the two blondes was big and all-encompassing and terrifying. It took no prisoners. That love was unwavering, and Haley had suspected it over the years, but she'd let her animosity stop her from seeing it. She'd watched her best friend pine over the blonde girl who'd been his weakness since he was 13, she just didn't know what she was witnessing. But he wrote novels about pain and need and love with such raw and intense portrayal of those emotions. She knew now what she suspected he always knew. His first novel hadn't lied; he'd be in love with Peyton forever.

She couldn't shake the feeling that he was going to be the one to get hurt again. But she was also aware that when it came to Lucas and Peyton, when they were apart, they were both hurting. They were just meant to be.

So why hadn't Peyton admitted that before she had married someone else?

----

She wasn't sure what time it was or how long she'd been asleep, but she was sure of one thing; there was only one man in the world whose arms made her feel the way she felt the moment her eyes opened. She didn't move, just needing to feel him and taking that familiar scent he'd always had. She knew that as soon as he knew she was awake, the questions would come, and she just needed a few moments of peace. Just a few moments to pretend that it was just her and Lucas and nothing else mattered.

She took a deep breath and tried to blink away the sleep, but it was physically painful. Her eyes hurt from crying, and that made her even more worried about what she'd look like.

"Hi," he said softly.

"How long have you been awake?" she asked. Her voice was hoarse from sobbing, but figured she'd at least try to stall the question period.

"A while. Figured you could use the rest," he informed her. His arm trailed up and down the bare skin of her arm as they lay tucked beneath the sheets.

"What time is it?" she asked, not wanting to move from the spot she was in. The more she lay there, the more she was convinced that his body was made to hold hers this way.

"Almost 4:00," he chuckled. She felt the vibration of his laugh beneath her cheek. He knew she was refusing to move, and he certainly wasn't going to make her.

"Mmm," she moaned, reluctantly trying to shake off the sleep. He felt his blood warm at the sound. "Is it wrong that I kind of don't want to leave this room?"

"Not really," he said softly. "But if we stay in here, you're going to have to tell me what's got you so upset."

"Did you hear that? Sounded like it was coming from the kitchen," she said quickly, trying to roll away from him.

He just laughed and stopped her with a strong arm. He was glad she still had her sense of humour, but it didn't stop him worrying that something was really wrong.

"This week has just been really hard," she said quietly. It wasn't a lie. It had been hard. Between getting married, and Karen, and the baby, and the shooting, and Lucas. It was a lot to handle, and had all just gotten to her all at once.

"I know," he whispered.

She willed herself not to cry again. Somehow, now, in his arms, she felt like somehow things would be OK. But the question that came next reminded her that they really wouldn't be.

"Didn't know you were a Lakers fan," he pointed out after seeing the purple fabric sitting on the chair in the corner of the room.

"I'm not," she sighed. "When in Rome, right?"

And there was the problem. When in Rome. More like when in L.A. In L.A., she had Julian. She loved Julian. She'd put on that tee shirt and sit with him while he watched the game with a beer in his hand. She'd joke with him and curl up into _his_ side and be happy with him.

But in Tree Hill...in Tree Hill she had friends who knew her better than anyone else. She loved Lucas. She had memories and places where those memories were made. And she'd hang onto that feeling with everything she could, even if that meant essentially lying to herself.

"I guess we really should get up," she said, pulling away from him and setting her feet on the floor. She was dodging him, but she just couldn't give him answers to the questions she knew he'd ask. She didn't _have_ the answers.

"Sure," he muttered. His mouth went dry when he looked at her. She was stretching the way she always had when she got out of bed - her back was arched slightly and her hands clasped above her head. God, she was gorgeous. It was all he could do not to grab her then and there and pull her back on top of him.

"I'm just going to...Oh God...Make myself not look like this," she laughed, catching her reflection in the mirror.

"You look really sexy," he said in a low voice before he could stop himself. She spun around to look at him and the smile she gave made him rethink apologizing.

"Well, thanks, but we're going out. And I don't want to look like a crazy woman," she said with a laugh.

"Where are we going?" he asked as she closed the ensuite bathroom's door behind her.

"I don't know!" she called. "You decide. Someplace happy!"

Someplace happy. He knew exactly where he was going to take her.

He just laid on the bed, waiting for her to emerge, and thinking about her. It was then that he realized just how much he'd missed her in the years since he'd seen her. He had tried so hard to convince himself and everyone else that he didn't, but it was true. Maybe he'd known all along. In fact, he probably had. But now it was as obvious to him as anything he'd ever known. He was in love with her still. He was in love with her before she'd ever spoken a word to him. He was in love with her when he played his first game, and when he played his last, and when he saw her for the last time that Christmas nearly 6 years ago.

"Is it even possible for you to look bad?" he asked with a smirk when she'd walked out of the bathroom 10 minutes later, fully clothed and put together.

"Lucas, I'm already hanging out with you. No need to lay it on so thick, OK buddy?" she teased, grabbing her purse and walking into the living room.

"And she's _still_ unable to take a compliment," he laughed as he followed her.

----

He pulled his car up to Tree Hill High, the wide - albeit confused - smile on her face told him he'd picked the perfect place for them. The place held memories; some good, some bad. He knew that she'd walk the empty halls and reminisce and joke and laugh. He'd even take more of her deprecating sarcasm if she offered it.

"You planning on breaking in?" she teased as they walked across the quad.

"Coach Scott has his own keys, actually," he informed her, jingling the keys in front of him. He found the one he needed, and deactivated the alarm as he let them into the building.

"Of course. Well. This is weird," she said, looking around at the hall in front of them. "I feel about a million years old."

The same blue and white signs hung, their rhyming words cheering on the Ravens. Rows of lockers lined the hall and freshly waxed linoleum squeaked beneath her feet.

"Try walking into the teachers' lounge and being forced to call principal Turner 'Carl'," he laughed.

"Ouch. OK. You're the old one. I'm just the visitor," she teased, wrapping her arm around his shoulder.

"Thanks," he winced. "You know, every time I walk past this locker, I can still picture you standing here with me?"

"Oh God," she groaned with a smile as she looked at the pained blue door she'd called her own all through her senior year.

"Here," he said, placing his hands on her upper arms and positioning her with her back to the metal as she faced him. He reached down and bent her leg so her foot was perched against the wall, then moved to stand in front of her and rested his right hand on the wall above her shoulder.

"Deja vu," she laughed, as she felt her breath quicken at his proximity. "I wonder how much time we spent standing like this."

"As much as possible," he said with a smirk. "I think Whitey yelled at me about being late for class, standing right here, more than anything else."

"Was it worth it?" she teased.

"Definitely," he laughed. It was hard to resist the urge to kiss her, but somehow he managed. "Come on. I'll get us some coffee."

They walked through the halls and into the boys' locker room. She'd been behind those doors more times than most people knew. Nathan used to sneak her in there to make out after practice, or just wait while he showered so he could drive her home. She always suspected Whitey knew they were breaking the rules, but he never said a word.

Stepping into Lucas' office, she took a look around at the photos that hung on the wall. The state championship from their senior year, the college championships he coached. There was one of him, Skills, and Nathan in their uniforms, and another of them on the River Court. The photos on his desk were more personal. Nathan, Haley and Jamie. He, his mother, and Keith. She picked up the frame and ran her fingertips over the glass.

"I always loved this picture," she said with a smile.

"That's the last one taken of the three of us together," he said, looking over her shoulder.

"I know," she whispered. Of course she knew.

He moved to put on some coffee, and she shot him an inquisitive look. "I told you. It's too weird to go to the teachers' lounge, so Hales and I make our own coffee in here."

She could only laugh and shake her head at him.

"Open the middle drawer," he insisted. She narrowed her eyes at him again. "Just trust me."

She did as she was told and was a little surprised at what she found. There were no less than five photos of the two of them together, and a few of the drawings she'd given him in their youth.

"What's this?" she asked, staring down at the faces of two kids in love and completely oblivious to what was going to happen to tear them apart; convinced that nothing ever would.

"Inspiration," he said simply with a shrug.

She tilted her head at him and her heart fluttered just that little bit when she saw the sheepish grin on his face. She didn't know what to think. Should she love or hate that he still used her for 'inspiration'? She'd be lying if she said she wasn't flattered.

"I've gotta run and drop something off in Turner's office," he said. "You OK here?"

"Yup," she said with a smile. "I'll just snoop around and see what other dirt I can find."

"I'm afraid those photos are probably the most scandalous," he laughed as he walked out the door.

She sat down at his desk chair and felt like she was somehow fully immersed in his world. She pictured him sitting there, sketching plays or watching game tape. Stealing moments to write throughout the day between his official duties. She'd been in his home, and now she was sitting comfortably in his work environment.

It was too comfortable for her. But, she wondered, was there even such a thing as _too_ comfortable?

She poured them each a cup of coffee when it was finished brewing, then sat in the quiet just thinking about him, and about them, until he returned.

"If you were anyone else, I'd be yelling right now to get out of my chair," he said with a laugh.

"Sorry," she said sheepishly.

"Don't be. It was a joke," he said, shaking his head.

She stood anyway, then perched herself on the edge of his desk with her mug in her hands. He moved to stand in front of her and took the white porcelain emblazoned with a blue 'R' from her, setting it beside her on the desk. She felt his hand cup her cheek and she leaned into his touch just enough to let him know that she liked having his hand there. He moved forward and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips, not unlike the one she'd given him earlier.

She heard the whine she let out when he pulled away and wondered where it had come from. She should have been pushing him away, yelling at him that it wasn't his place to kiss her any more. She should have been able to stop him when he moved to the space between her legs and kissed her again. But she couldn't. She just couldn't.

Neither said a word when they parted again, and he moved away to let her stand. She smiled at him as she grabbed her mug again and handed him his before walking out of his office.

He knew she was leaving soon. He knew he hadn't seen her and had hardly talked to her in 6 years, but it was as though no time had passed at all. When they were together, nothing else mattered. It was just the two of them, and the fact that she was leaving and he knew nothing about the life she was returning to didn't make that connection go away. He knew it never would.

He shuffled papers for a moment, and organized his office so it would be ready when he returned to work, then went to find her.

Walking through the empty halls was something he'd done a million times before, but this time, looking for Peyton, reminded him of the day of the shooting. This, however, was less frantic and he was sure she was alive and safe and happy. But he still felt that sense of love that he so desperately wanted to quell. He knew he shouldn't feel it, so he tried to push it away, knowing that he'd never be able to do it.

He found her in the gym, sitting on the empty wooden bleachers and staring at nothing in particular. She knew he was in the room before she even saw him, and just shook her head that she still had the power to sense him that way. Things would be a whole lot easier if she couldn't.

They sat for a while, just the two of them in the quiet gym, sipping coffee next to one another.

"Do you believe in anything any more?" he asked finally, still staring forward. He remembered his first conversation with Whitey, when the man told him that a lot of praying happened within these four walls. "It's just hard sometimes to believe in anything."

The question didn't catch her off guard. If she learned anything in the past few days, it was that there was rarely a wrong word exchanged between the two of them. He could ask her anything, and it wouldn't surprise her.

"I believe in music and art and love," she said softly, and his eyes turned to meet hers. "I believe that you find faith where you need to find it."

"How do you mean?" he asked, brow furrowed in anticipation to hear her explanation.

"I mean...OK, you know that John Mayer song we listened to the other night?" she asked. She shifted her body and tucked her leg beneath her so she was staring at his profile. "Gravity."

"Yeah. I've heard it before," he nodded.

"Well I love that song. I have since I first heard it on his trio album," she explained. "But then I went to see him live on his stadium tour."

"Hang on. Peyton Sawyer when to see John Mayer's stadium tour?" he asked, turning to look at her with a smirk on his face.

"The dude can play and writes awesome tunes. _Don't_ make me rant about it," she threatened teasingly, and he held his hands up in defeat. "_Anyway_, he just jammed on that song for like, 12 minutes. It was amazing. And the part where he sings _'keep me where the light is,'_ the house lights came on, then faded out each time he repeated it. _That_ gave me something to believe in."

"OK...?" He didn't understand. He needed more, and frankly, he just loved to hear her talk about music. She was always so open and passionate.

"Thousands of people in one place, hearing the same thing at the same time. One line that could be interpreted so many different ways. _That, _right there_,_ reminds me that there's something bigger than me. Someone sitting next to me can hear the exact same thing at the exact same moment, and have a completely different feeling about it than I do."

He just faced forward, digesting her words. She was amazing. In every possible way, she was amazing.

"I feel like I find faith and hope subtly. I'll be having a bad day or questioning everything, and I'll hear a song or see a painting or witness an act of kindness that just gives me that feeling." She didn't need to keep speaking for his sake, so he knew she just needed to keep saying the words - to finish her thought. And he wasn't going to stop her.

"I've missed you," he said quietly after a moment, shaking his head at how obvious it was to have realized that he felt that way.

And she was brought back to reality. She wasn't his to miss. He let her go. He broke her heart. He wouldn't have to miss her if he hadn't. She didn't want to sit there with him any longer and feel confused and conflicted. She wanted to be in L.A. with her husband, no matter how hard it would be to face him after everything that had happened. A million things ran through her head. Should she just not tell him? Was ignorance bliss? What Julian didn't know wouldn't hurt him, right? Yes. She wouldn't tell him. She'd stop this...whatever it was with Lucas. It was nothing. They were just two old friends who had given in to temptation in a moment of weakness. Wasn't it? She knew that if there was ever a moment to tell Lucas she was married, that was it. She just couldn't tell him and see that look of heartbreak and disappointment on his face as she said the words. Maybe it was better if he didn't know. She ignored the voice in her head telling her it was selfish to keep it from him, and that she was just withholding the truth to save herself from facing all the things she was feeling. All these secrets were piling up inside of her, and it was making her crazy.

"We should go," she said after a few moments.

He had expected her to say she missed him, too.

He couldn't find words to say, so he just nodded. He was was sure she'd still sense his disappointment. She pretended not to notice it, but she couldn't ignore the ache the pained look on his face put in her heart.

"Dinner at Nathan and Haley's, right?" she asked. At his nod, she continued. "I really have to decide when I'm going back to L.A."

"Yeah. I suppose you can't stay forever, right?" He knew she couldn't, but there was a part of him that wished she would tell him that she could. He wanted her to jump into his arms and tell him she'd been waiting for him to ask her. He wanted to have her with him. He knew then that she wouldn't be.

But dammit, she kissed him earlier! He put his lips to hers first, but she kissed back. _Her_ hands found his shirt and pulled him closer to her. It was _her_ raspberry lip balm that he could still taste. He wanted to ask her what that all meant. He just knew he wouldn't be able to handle it if she said it was nothing.

"Yeah, I really have to get back at some point," she said as they walked towards the door.

"Don't you miss it, Peyton? Tree Hill? Our friends? All of this?" he asked quietly. What he wanted to ask was if she missed him like he missed her. He was craving for her to say those words to him. Deep down, he knew that she just wouldn't.

"I can't do this right now," she said. "I'm sorry."

"Are we ever going to talk about it?" he asked desperately.

"Luke," she pleaded. "I can't."

Her tone indicated that he shouldn't press the issue. He'd learned as a teenager when she needed him to leave her be. But that didn't stop him from absolutely hating when she did this. She'd close herself off and not let him in on exactly what she was thinking. He was starting to believe that there was something she wasn't telling him. He was afraid of what it was. Maybe he just didn't want to know. Whatever it was, it was big enough for her to hide it completely, and that convinced him that these stolen moments with her would have to be enough.

He knew they never would be.


	8. Chapter 8

Dinner at Nathan and Haley's went without incident. They all joked that the big grey house was now home base for the five friends. That's where they went when they needed to feel that comfort and support. That's where they went to gather after something went wrong, or when something went right. Parties were held there, and Lucas, Skills and Nathan had post-game beers there, and Saturday night barbecues in the summer.

Peyton woke up to the sound of Brooke singing in the kitchen and the smell of freshly brewed coffee. She pulled the new blue Ravens sweater over her head. Nathan had given Brooke, Haley, and Peyton all sweaters the night before. They were a new design that no one else had seen yet, and only Haley's had a number on the back - 23, of course.

"Hey buddy!" Brooke called, seeing her friend emerge from her room. "Nice sweater."

Peyton noticed Brooke was wearing hers as well and the two traded smiles as Brooke handed her friend a cup of coffee.

"Making waffles?" Peyton asked. Her mouth was already watering at the sight.

"Yes. Belgian. From scratch," Brooke said, impressed with her recently found culinary prowess. She set a plate in front of Peyton, complete with fresh strawberries and blueberries and real maple syrup.

"This looks amazing," Peyton exclaimed. She took a bite and made a noise the proved the meal tasted as good as it looked.

"Thanks. So what's going on with you and Luke?" Brooke asked quickly, making Peyton nearly choke on her food.

"What?!"

"Come on. Don't lie to me. I saw you two sleeping together yesterday like it was senior year all over again. What's the deal?" Brooke repeated.

"Nothing. I just had a rough day, that's all. He helped me through it," Peyton explained vaguely with a shrug of her shoulders. She left out the part where she cheated on her husband and thought she might still be in love with her ex-boyfriend.

"What about Julian?" Brooke knew there was more to the story, and she was well aware that blunt questioning wasn't the best tactic to find out, but she was going to do it anyway.

"What about him?" Peyton asked, exasperation in her tone. She was getting sick of the 20 questions - mostly because she was afraid of what answers might slip out of her mouth.

"I just thought maybe _he'd_ help you through it, that's all," Brooke said rationally, sitting next to Peyton with a plate of her own.

"He's not here," Peyton said quietly.

"Right," Brooke muttered. "Have you decided when you're going back?"

"I don't know," Peyton said honestly. "Soon, probably. Tomorrow maybe. The day after that."

"OK. Well what do you want to do today? Haley went back to work and Nathan's running practice. Luke's doing..."

Peyton couldn't bear to hear what Luke was doing that day, and she wanted to say as much. She needed to distance herself from him. It was for the best.

"I was thinking of spending the day by myself, actually. I just need some time alone," Peyton explained, interrupting her friend. "I hope that's OK."

"Honey, of course it's OK," Brooke said with a slight laugh. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. Maybe that's the point."

Brooke sensed that there was a lot more going on than she knew, but she knew her best friend well, and whatever it was, Peyton simply didn't want to talk about it. They finished the rest of their breakfast talking about their respective jobs and Jamie and whatever else came to mind.

Peyton got up and went to shower before slipping on a pair of jeans and her new favourite sweater. The blue cotton felt exactly the way she needed it to; warm and soft and strangely nostalgic for such a new item of clothing.

With a promise to call Brooke later, she walked out to her car and tried to think of any place she could go that might make her feel better. Ever since Lucas asked her if she missed Tree Hill, it was all she could think about. She _did_ miss it. She missed her friends and the town and the memories and..._him_.

Somehow, in the span of only a few days, her entire life had been turned upside down. All the things she had spent the past four years trying to forget were suddenly in front of her and interrupting the life she'd convinced herself was perfect. She loved L.A. She loved her home and her job and her husband. Didn't she? It was becoming a mantra that was harder and harder to repeat. Every time she thought about leaving Tree Hill, leaving Lucas, she felt like she might break down and cry.

She drove through the entire town over and over again, just thinking to herself and wondering why life liked to screw with her so much. After a while, she found herself at the one place that she knew only one person would ever find her. And even then, it would be surprising. Someone would have to tell him to look for her.

She didn't know if that was exactly what she wanted, or exactly what she didn't want.

----

By 6:30, Brooke still hadn't heard from Peyton, and she was starting to get worried. Tree Hill was a small, quiet town, but she couldn't help her mind from racing. What was going on with Peyton that she couldn't, or wouldn't, tell her best friend? She reluctantly went to the one person she thought might know what was going on.

She stopped in front of Karen's house and pushed open the door gently. She was not at all surprised to find Lucas sitting on the sofa with a few boxes in front of him.

"Hey, Brooke," he greeted her. He was unusually chipper, considering.

"Hey. How are you?" she asked, taking the spot next to him on the sofa.

"OK. Just looking through some of this stuff. What's up?" he moved a file full of business forms and accounting records from his lap to the table in front of him, and turned to face her.

"I'm actually...well...I'm kind of worried about Peyton," she stuttered. She noticed his demeanor immediately change. He had already switched into 'Save Peyton' mode.

"Why? Where is she?" he asked worriedly.

"Something is going on with her and she hasn't told me what it is," Brooke explained. "She said she wanted to spend the day alone, but that was at 9:30 this morning, and she hasn't checked in."

He knew what was going on with her. Him. Dammit, he should have known better. But resisting Peyton Sawyer was the one thing he'd never been able to do. She was his vice. He needed to talk to her.

"So you want me to find her?" Lucas asked, already standing from his place.

"I mean...yeah. If you can." She shifted in her seat and watched him pull on his jacket, then got up and followed him to the door.

"I'll call you when I know something, OK? Don't worry about her. I'm sure she's alright. This week has been..."

"Exactly," she interrupted. "That's why I'm worried."

He just nodded then walked her to her car, pressing a kiss to her cheek before she got in and drove away.

He drove through town checking the places he instinctively knew she wouldn't be, but he had to see for himself. That, and he needed to buy a little time. He needed to think about what he was going to say to her when he saw her, though something in him told him that any preconceived conversation starters would be useless.

He found her on the beach, where only he knew she could be. It was their spot - the little cove just over a ridge of rocks where it was always dry, even when the tide was in. They used to sit there together, just close enough so the water could nip at their toes, and talk about anything and everything they could think of. Or sometimes they wouldn't talk at all. They'd just sit there on the sand together and let their breathing match the rhythm of the waves, with his hands running idly over her knuckles.

He sat next to her without a word, though there were a million questions in his mind. Why had she hid herself all day? Why hadn't she told anyone what happened between them? Why had she been so nice to him in the first place? Why hadn't she stopped him? Why did she kiss him the way she used to when it meant something? He just couldn't bring himself to voice any of those questions. So instead, he said...

"Hi."

"You ever think about how you can put your toes in the Pacific, and then put your toes in the Atlantic and it is all the same water?" she asked. She didn't look at him, so she missed the completely bewildered look on his face. "Every morning, I run along the beach behind my house. I always take a handful of water at the end of my run and splash it on my face. I don't know why. I just did it one day and now it's a habit that I can't break."

She turned to him, but he was facing forward, inwardly wondering where she was going with this story.

"The same water that I splashed on my face a month ago could be in front of me right now," she said quietly. She didn't know why she was telling him. She knew it wouldn't make sense to anyone but herself. "I just wonder how two completely different things can both be so familiar."

He didn't know it, but she was referring to Julian and Lucas. They were complete opposites. Julian was pomp and flash and nice cars to the outside world, and sweetly sarcastic with her. He was a week without shaving, then strutting around in an Italian suit for a meeting. He was fine wine one night and cheap beer the next. He was the man who had helped her when Lucas couldn't. When Lucas _didn't_.

And Lucas? He was home. He was comfort and security. He was strong and quiet. He was fresh lemonade on the porch while he read. He was unassuming. He was a small-town boy, through and through. And he _knew_ her. He knew things about her that no one else ever did; that no one else had bothered to learn. He had opened that amazing heart of his up to her and let her see who he was completely.

They were night and day, and it was slowly tearing her apart, knowing that she had to choose.

"I don't want you to go," he finally admitted. It had nothing to do with her story, or so he thought, but he needed to say it.

"I have to," she insisted for the hundredth time to herself, but for the first time aloud.

"I know it's selfish, but I want you here with me," he said quietly, almost too quietly for her to hear. "I don't know how to do this. Everything's different now and I don't know how to...I just don't know how."

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Tears were building in her eyes and she didn't know what they were for.

Maybe they were for Karen, the woman whose death she still hadn't quite come to terms with. Maybe they were for Lucas. Maybe they were for her relationship with Lucas - the one she thought, once upon a time, was going to last forever. Maybe they were for Julian - the man who deserved so much better than she'd done in recent days. Maybe they were for her hometown and all the things she missed about it in the years since she'd been away. But mostly? She thought they might be for herself. She was crying over becoming the kind of person she didn't want to be. An adulterer. A liar. Someone who hides their heart from everyone, including herself.

But what really made her cry more than anything, was knowing that she was worried about hurting Lucas more than she was worried about hurting Julian. And she fucking hated herself for it.

He noticed her tears and pulled her into a hug. They sat like that for a while, with him just letting her cry the tears he was sure she needed to shed. She pulled away when he kissed her gently on the side of the mouth.

"Don't," she demanded harshly as she hastily wiped her face.

"Peyton..." he started.

"No," she interrupted him. "I can't do this."

"I'm getting tired of hearing those four words," he muttered dejectedly, looking to the sand beneath him.

"I'm sorry," she said, shaking her head.

"Those ones, too," he said, turning to face her. His eyes met hers, and it was almost like all the pain each of them felt collided between them and all they were left with was anger.

"What do you want me to say, Lucas? That being here has been easy? That seeing you again has been easy?" she asked quickly.

"It is easy!" he shouted. "This has been the worst week of my entire life, Peyton. But somehow you have been able to make it just a little more bearable. Just by being here. Why do you have to complicate things?"

"I'm not," she insisted quietly. "They were already complicated."

"Because of what happened with us 6 years ago?" he asked, forcing her to look him in the eye again.

"That. Other things. It's all a mess, Lucas. You can't understand," she said, shaking her head.

"_Help_ me." His tone was demanding. He needed to know everything that she was feeling.

"I can't explain," she mumbled, looking to the ground again. She felt his hand on her chin and he raised her face gently so she could see the sparkle of unshed tears in his eyes.

"Try," he pressed. She just shook her head yet again and stood so she could avoid his hold and his eyes and his presence. "You were never like this with me. Why can't you just open up to me anymore?"

"Because you broke my heart," she said with calm conviction. Then her tone got angrier. "Because you weren't there when I needed you to be. Because I have a life you know nothing about because _you_ ended things with me!"

She didn't know where it all came from, and it made fresh tears roll down her face. They were just a few of the things she'd wanted to say to him for so long. She'd wanted to have this conversation 5 years ago, but it never happened, and eventually she just pushed the hurt aside.

"I'm sorry!" he shouted back. "But I want to be with you, and I know it's not going to be easy, but I want you, and..."

"Lucas...I'm married," she whispered softly through her tears, interrupting his speech. She said it because she just couldn't listen anymore. She couldn't hear all those perfect words from him and still manage to get on a plane like she knew she had to.

It hit him like a ton of bricks. Married. He just hung his head. He couldn't look at her. He had turned her into a cheater. He had asked her to stay with him that night. He had pleaded with her. But she hadn't offered up the information, and had he known, he wouldn't have kissed her in the first place. She flew from L.A. to be with him and help him and heal him and grieve with him. She came. And she didn't bother to tell him that she had a husband.

He couldn't say anything. He just got up and walked away and pretended he didn't hear the sob that escaped her mouth as he turned his back to her. He wondered if there would ever come a time when she'd stop making him do it.

Walking away from Peyton Sawyer was becoming the one thing Lucas Scott was an expert at, and it was because she'd never had the nerve to make him _not_ do it.

----

Peyton sat for another hour, knowing that telling Lucas that way wasn't at all what she'd had in mind. She had hurt him almost as much as she'd hurt herself. She needed to believe that she hadn't hurt him more; she just couldn't bear the thought.

She wondered how she could possibly be so happy, yet shed so many tears, just by being in Tree Hill. She didn't want to leave. She really didn't. But she had to. She needed to get back to normal and Julian and the job she could always lose herself in. And yet somehow, the more she thought about losing herself in something, the more she could picture herself only getting lost in one thing. Lucas. And that's why she needed to leave.

She checked her face in the rear view mirror before stepping out of the car at Nathan and Haley's. She brushed some powder onto her cheeks, but it didn't hide much. She knew it was no use, so she just walked to the door and stepped inside only to hear Haley playing piano and singing, and Nathan and Jamie playing video games in the next room.

"Hey kiddo," she called to her friend, making her stop her song abruptly and spin around on the bench.

"Hi!" Haley said happily. Nathan and Jamie joined them in the room upon hearing Peyton's voice.

"I just thought I'd stop by before I leave," Peyton explained.

"Leave?" Jamie and Nathan said in unison, making her laugh at how alike the two were.

Every once in a while, something would happen that would make her heart hurt, reminding her of the child she'd lost. Jamie was one of those things. His attitude was all Nathan and Haley, but his looks were somehow all Lucas. His blonde hair and blue eyes were attributes she was sure any child of Lucas' would have. Sometimes, he reminded her so much of the baby she never had, that it was hard to look at him.

"Yeah. I have to get back to L.A.," she said somewhat sadly. She would miss these Scotts. Almost as much as the other one.

"I guess it's about that time, huh?" Haley pointed out. "I kind of don't want you to go."

"Me neither," Jamie said, wrapping his arms around Peyton's legs.

"Me neither," Nathan echoed, pulling her into a tight hug.

"I love you guys," she muttered into Nathan's chest.

"We love you, too," Haley said with a smile. It had been a long road for the two of them, but those words were true. Nathan released Peyton and watched as the two women embraced.

"OK," Nathan said as they all walked towards the front door. "Call us tomorrow, alright?"

"I will," she said, doing her best not to cry.

The small family watched from the doorway and waved as Peyton pulled away, none of them knowing when they'd see her next. They all silently wished they could see her every day.

Saying goodbye to Brooke was the easiest. The brunette had business in L.A. about once a month, so they would see each other often, and Brooke always stayed with her and Julian when she was in town. Telling her she was married, however, was not so simple. But she knew she had to do it. She needed her best friend to know what was going on, and maybe she'd understand why she had to leave so urgently.

The two women sat, drinking one last cup of tea together, when Peyton realized it was time to fill Brooke in on everything. Well, mostly everything.

"Brooke," Peyton said urgently. "I need to tell you something, but you have to promise not to freak out or get mad or...freak out."

"Peyton, you're scaring me," Brooke said, running her hands over Peyton's upper arms in an attempt to soothe her. Peyton closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Julian and I got married on Monday," she said as quickly as she could.

"Um...uh...How did....What?" Brooke asked with a wide smile.

"It's crazy, I know," Peyton admitted.

"What about you and Lucas?" Brooke questioned.

That her best friend would question her about her ex-boyfriend after she had just told her that she'd secretly gotten married and hadn't told her for days, Peyton took as a sign. Brooke didn't ask how or where or if it was romantic or what she wore. She didn't ask to see the ring or if Peyton had cried. She didn't ask why her husband hadn't accompanied her on this trip. She didn't yell about not being invited, or being asked to be maid of honour, or designing the perfect gown. She asked about Lucas.

"There is no me and Lucas," Peyton said quietly, looking to the ground. She didn't see Brooke roll her eyes at that statement.

"The hell there isn't," Brooke scoffed, making Peyton's eyes fly up to meet hers again. "Peyton, there is always a you and Lucas. Even when neither of you realize it, there's a you and Lucas. Even if you think you hate each other and never want to speak again, there's a you and Lucas. Even if..."

"Brooke!" Peyton shouted, trying not to laugh.

"I just don't think it's any coincidence that the two of you were able to fix each other so quickly this week. Even if you don't want to admit it, I think there's still something there," Brooke explained gently. "And I know you love Julian, I mean, you freaking married the guy, which we _will_ talk about at a later date." Peyton laughed at the stern tone Brooke took on. "I just think you and Lucas never really resolved anything."

"That's basically what Nathan said," Peyton mumbled.

"Well, Haley has turned him in to kind of a smart guy," Brooke teased, making them both laugh. "Peyton, you know I am on your side, whatever you do, OK? But I have seen the way Lucas has been looking at you, and it's kind of clear that he still feels something for you."

Peyton could only nod. She couldn't tell Brooke that once again, she and Lucas had gotten caught up in each other when a third party was oblivious. She was well aware that it was a million times worse this time.

Brooke could see between the lines, just like she suspected that Nathan had, that Peyton was still in love with Lucas. It explained her breakdown and her need to leave so quickly. She just hoped her friend knew what she was doing. Peyton was known to run from love, especially Lucas' love, and she didn't want her to make the same mistake she'd made all those years ago. Brooke knew that someone was about to get hurt. She just couldn't figure out who.

Peyton gathered her things and loaded her suitcase into the car, and the two best friends hugged tightly before the blonde drove away, promising, like she had with Nathan and Haley, to call the next day.

She knew she had to see him. Maybe just to see him. Maybe to try to explain. Maybe to make him stop feeling the guilt she knew he'd be killing himself with. She ended up at the River Court before she even knew where she was going. She was right, though. That's where he was. She watched him for a moment, his back to her, perched on the top of a picnic table and looking out over the river.

He heard the car door slam and something told him it was her. He didn't know what to say to her. He felt horrible, and he couldn't even imagine what she was going through. He was more worried about her feelings than his own, which shouldn't have surprised him. But she was married. Married to a man that wasn't him. And it was eating away at him.

He wished he could go back in time. He'd tell her not to go to L.A. in the first place, or he'd have gone with her. He'd have been more understanding about the baby they lost and her reasons for keeping it to herself. He would have done more to keep her. He would have done everything to keep her.

"Hi," she said softly as she slid onto the table next to him.

"Hi," he echoed.

"God, Luke, I'm so sorry," she said urgently after a few moments of silence, turning her body slightly towards his. "I didn't want you to find out like that and I didn't expect anything to happen when I came here and...I'm just so sorry. I know you're feeling guilty, but you shouldn't. OK? Please don't."

"Is he good to you?" he asked. It was the one question he'd had on his mind more than any other. He was angry - he was furious - but if he couldn't have her, he at least needed to know she was taken care of by the one who did have her.

She didn't want to answer. She didn't want him to know anything about Julian, but she owed him the truth.

"Yes," she whispered. It just reminded her that Julian had done nothing to deserve her treating him this way.

"Why didn't you stop things? And why didn't you _tell_ me?" he asked urgently.

"I didn't want to hurt you," she said, answering his second question. She ignored the first, unable to admit out loud why she wasn't able to say no to him.

"I wish that plan had worked," he muttered.

"I know," she whispered, feeling more tears come. "God, I'm such an awful person."

"No, you're not," he insisted adamantly.

"You probably hate me, and I get that. I should have said something. I should have told you. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry," she rambled, wiping her tears furiously.

"It was just a weak moment, right? We just got caught up." It was a lie, and he knew it as soon as the words left his lips. It felt all too familiar for him to be saying that to her.

He couldn't find it in his heart to really blame her. To be honest, he wondered, even if he had known, if it would have made a difference. He wanted her, and when one of them wanted the other, nothing else seemed to matter.

"I don't think my heart can take it if you say it didn't mean anything," she said, shaking her head. She didn't know why. Well, she didn't want to admit why.

He wanted to know why she would say that. He wanted to ask a million questions about why she'd be with him if she was married. He wanted to ask if she still had feelings for him. But he knew. He knew, and her previous statement proved it. He wasn't sure if that made him feel better, or worse.

"It meant a lot. Well, to me it did." It had meant more to him than he expected she could imagine. He wondered how many times the two of them would have to have this conversation.

She wanted to say it meant a lot to her, too, but the words wouldn't come out of her mouth. She just couldn't. She turned to look at him, and she knew he would see the honesty in her eyes. Just like he always had.

"I just wanted to say goodbye before I left," she said, wiping her tears on the sleeve of her sweater.

"Oh," he mumbled. "You're going back to him?"

"Please don't judge me, Lucas," she pleaded. "I have to."

He let out a puff of air and shook his head. He understood, and it shouldn't have come as a shock to him, but he wished she would just admit that she felt what he felt in every single kiss the two of them had ever shared. All that love - all that passion - was still there between them.

"No, you don't!" he insisted as he stood and paced in front of her. "But I guess this is it for us, huh? After everything, this is it."

"I'm sorry," she said through her tears.

"That's not going to help much," he said harshly. He noticed the pained look on her face as soon as he spoke. "What do you want me to say, Peyton?"

"Nothing, I guess," said, shrugging her shoulders in defeat.

He looked at her and reached out to wipe her cheeks with his thumb. He wished he could hate her. He wished that need to take care of her would go away and let him be. Yet, there he was, nursing a broken heart because of her, and he was still the one soothing her, making sure she was OK in the aftermath of yet another situation that was tearing them apart. And before he could stop himself, he'd said the words he knew he meant, but wouldn't make a difference to her.

"I love you," he said, staring into her eyes so she'd know how true the statement was. She smiled weakly and nodded.

That I love you meant more to her than any I love you she had heard in the past 6 years.

But she had to pretend that it didn't.

Instead, she pressed a lingering kiss to his cheek, got up, and walked to her car. She couldn't say the word 'goodbye'. It would have broken her heart too much to even say the word.

He didn't know when, if ever, he would see her again. She'd always held his heart, ever since the first day he saw her. But this time, he was fully aware that she was taking it with her. This time, he didn't know if he'd recover.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:** This is the last chapter! I tell you - you guys had so many ideas and suggestions that I had to read this over about 30 times, wondering if I should change it. However, this has been written pretty much since I posted the first chapter, and I wanted to stick with the story as I intended it to be. Thing is, you guys seem to love this story so much that it's hard for me to admit it's over! OK, OK, I know that's lame to say...Anyway, I hope you enjoy this.

**----**

The flight felt shorter than it should have. She had turned on her iPod and allowed herself to get carried away by the melodies it played. Music was the only thing that could save her from torturing herself with all the things she should have been thinking. She should have been coming up with explanations or apologies or assurances of her love. But she didn't know who they'd be for.

She got into a cab in the darkness of the middle of the night, and just prayed that she could get back to normal. Back to the life she'd grown so accustomed to. The air was already warmer, and she pretended she didn't hate it. But there was just something about the chill of the fall in Tree Hill that she loved. She pushed it aside, though. She couldn't think about it any more.

She entered her house quietly and set her bag just inside the door. She'd carry it up the stairs in the morning and unpack. Now, all she wanted to do was be with Julian; be home.

But looking around her house suddenly it didn't feel like home at all. She didn't want stainless steel banisters and a mahogany dining table and 4 bedrooms. She didn't want reclaimed wood floors from an old barn in the Sonoma Valley. She didn't want imported leather sofas and a closet full of wine glasses for when they hosted events.

What she wanted was comfort, and the further she got from Tree Hill, the less comfortable she felt.

But maybe she'd feel it when she saw him. She tiptoed into their bedroom and saw him sleeping. His left hand was resting on his chest and she noticed the moonlight bounce off his platinum band. Thankfully, she'd remembered to slip hers back on before she got off the plane. But dammit, she should have been wearing it the entire time, and there came the guilt again, rushing back just when she thought it had left her. Maybe she had been foolish to think that coming back to him would have made her forget.

She climbed onto the bed and positioned herself so she was straddling him. He was a heavy sleeper, but he awoke when she pressed her lips to his.

"Hey," she mumbled against his lips as she pulled away.

"I didn't know you were coming home," he said sleepily.

"Well I did," she said with a smile. She leaned down to kiss him again, but his words stopped her.

"You smell like airport," he pointed out as he placed his hands on her hips.

The first thing she thought was, _'Lucas wouldn't have said that.' _Lucas would have thanked her for surprising him and told her she looked beautiful and said he loved her. And he would have meant it all. He wouldn't have cared how late it was or what his schedule for the next day was like. He would have kissed her and made love to her because he had missed her so much that he just needed to be with her.

"Flying all night will do that to a girl," she muttered, climbing off him and setting her feet on the floor.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"I'm not really tired," she said. It was the truth. She had slept on the plane because, to be honest, she hadn't expected their reunion to go this way. "I'll be in my office."

She walked out of the room before he could argue, and he was left wondering what he'd done wrong.

"Peyton!" he called before getting out of bed reluctantly. He found her sitting at her desk with her sketch pad in front of her and a pencil in her hand. "What's wrong?"

Had he always been this oblivious?

"I just kind of thought my husband would be a little happier to see me after I've been away," she explained sadly. She knew exactly what she was doing. She was making him feel bad to make herself feel better.

"Peyton," he started, kneeling next to her chair and resting his hands on her thighs. "I was just surprised, that's all. Come on, you know I'm happy to see you."

"I thought maybe you'd show me," she said quietly.

"Is that still an option?" he asked with a cheeky smile.

He stood and pulled her up with him, hooking his arm around her waist and pulling her flush against him. He smiled against her lips before he kissed her deeply. He moved them so her back was pressed against her desk, then lifted her onto the surface and stood between her legs. He started kissing her neck, and when he came dangerously close to that spot - _Lucas'_ spot - she pushed him away.

"What?" he asked, slightly annoyed that she'd stopped what they were just getting started on.

"I can't," she sighed. She felt the tears coming to her eyes, and knew there was no use trying to stop them.

The only thing she could think when he was kissing her was that he didn't feel as good as Lucas did. And she hated herself for that. But she'd been fighting her feelings since she first saw that blonde haired, blue eyed man again, and this moment just confirmed everything for her.

But since that day and her talk with Nathan, was there ever really any doubt?

She knew she had to be honest with him. She'd only been home for ten minutes, and already she couldn't live with the guilt. She certainly couldn't live the rest of her life that way. And she didn't want to. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with someone else. She just had to break someone's heart in order to do it.

She loved Julian. She did. He had been nothing but wonderful and patient and caring. She realized now, as harsh as it sounded, that he was a replacement for what she couldn't have with Lucas. But he just wasn't Lucas. And maybe she had just been fooling herself, thinking she could ever love someone like she loved him. She knew that if they'd had that baby, or if things had somehow gone differently, that she'd still be with Lucas. She just had to tell Julian the truth. He didn't deserve her secrecy and she simply couldn't do it.

"What's going on, Peyton?" he asked, still standing in front of her, wondering what was making her cry.

"I have to tell you something that is going to make you hate me," she managed. The tears fell from her eyes and she knew that whatever she said next was going to break his heart.

"I doubt that," he said with a sympathetic grin. That damned grin that he had used to make her fall for him.

"No. You will. Trust me," she said. _Trust me_. It felt wrong to even say those words to him now.

"Babe, you're kind of freaking me out," he informed her.

"I need you to know that I didn't expect this or seek it out," she started, unable to stop herself from breaking down completely.

"What?" he asked desperately.

"I slept with Lucas," she admitted in a tearful whisper. Her eyes were fixed on her hands as they were clasped in her lap. She couldn't bear to watch the look on his face as she told him that horrible piece of truth that would undoubtedly tear down his entire world.

He didn't say anything. His brow furrowed and he shook his head a couple times quickly, as if trying to comprehend exactly the weight those words held. He moved away from her and turned around. He couldn't look at her.

"You _told_ me, Peyton. You looked me in the eye and said that I had _nothing_ to worry about," he said angrily, facing her again. "Is the guy that fucking irresistible?"

"It's not like that!" she shouted quickly.

"What's it like, Peyton? I'll tell you what it's like! It's like you married me, and then left the same day. And I understood that, believe me. Then it's like you saw him and your clothes fell off, right? You just couldn't help yourself, is that it?"

"Don't you dare," she demanded angrily. She stood from her place and pointed at him. "Don't you dare imply that I'm some kind of slut."

"So what is it? Boy wonder gave you his puppy dog eyes and made you feel sorry for him? Pretended to be all sad so you'd take care of him?" he asked spitefully.

"You fucking asshole. His mother just died! He didn't _pretend_ to be anything," she shouted.

"Oh! _I'm_ an asshole? I'm an asshole," he said, chucking bitterly. "I'm sitting here, pining over my _wife_, the woman I've _loved_ for four years. Four years! And she's off banging her ex-fucking-boyfriend. Yeah. I'm clearly in the wrong here."

"I can't talk to you when you're like this," she said softly, raising her hands in defeat. "I'll stay in the guest bedroom."

"You really think that'll help?" he asked with a raised brow. "I'll talk to my lawyer in the morning. Should I have the annulment papers sent to Lucas' house?"

She let out a puff of air and shook her head.

"You know, I didn't expect this to go well, but I didn't think you'd be such a spiteful bastard," she said as calmly as she could.

"Actually, if I read the book correctly, I believe Lucas is the bastard."

She narrowed her eyes and slapped him hard across the face. He could say all the hateful, horrible, mean things about her that he wanted. But she'd be damned if she let him speak poorly about Lucas.

He brought his hand to his cheek and rubbed it where he'd been struck. She simply walked out of the room.

It was in that moment that he realized that she would never be able to love him the way she'd love '_him'_. He'd always be a stand in. And for the first time since he could remember, he felt a tear pooling in his eye. Because even though he really didn't like her right now, he was still in love with her. She was still the girl whose sarcasm and sadness had pulled him in and never let go. And she hurt him. This hurt him. He loved her so damn much, and this just confirmed that she'd never loved him as much as he'd loved her.

He followed her to the spare room and watched as she took off her shirt.

"Get out, Julian," she demanded through her tears. She had had enough of the conversation and his temper. She knew it was all her fault, but she just couldn't do it. A 1:00 a.m. argument wasn't what she'd had in mind.

"No." He moved towards her and stood directly in front of her. His size suddenly intimidated her and she knew her face took on a look of worry.

"What?" she asked in a small voice.

"Tell me," he said. She watched the tear roll down his cheek, but she couldn't bring herself to brush it away. She'd never seen him cry. Not once in four years.

"Tell you what?" she asked more forcefully.

"Tell me you love him," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "Just...just tell me."

She looked into his eyes and they were nearly black. She knew she'd just done to him what she never thought she would - she'd broken his heart. He'd be a long time recovering from this, and it killed her that it had happened. She didn't want to tell him what he was begging to hear, for fear that it would break him more, but she knew that for some strange reason, that he needed to hear it.

"I do," she whispered tearfully. Ironically, they were the same two words she'd said just days earlier to him.

She slipped the band off her finger and placed it in his hand. She didn't miss it when it was gone. She realized then that it never belonged there to begin with.

"I'll uh...talk to my lawyer. I'll have the house appraised and buy you out of your half," he said as he turned to wipe his cheek. He knew there was no sense hiding it from her, but he did it anyway.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, pulling him back towards her and wrapping her arms around him.

He wanted badly to be able to push her away, but he'd simply never been able to deny her what she wanted. And if what she wanted was to take a moment to have his arms around her, he wasn't going to stop her. They stood like that for a while, just holding each other. Before he pulled away, she leaned forward and gave him one last kiss. It was an apology. A thank you. A goodbye. It was their last kiss.

He realized he'd never be able to kiss her again. He'd never come home to her sipping wine on the back balcony again; he'd never be able to walk up behind her and wrap her in his arms and smell her shampoo and feel her breathing with him. He'd never get to see that look on her face when she heard a great song for the first time again. He'd never wake up next to her again. She'd never be his again.

He pushed her away from him gently and left the room without another word.

----

She woke up in the morning to a quiet house. She padded down the stairs to find a suitcase packed and a plane ticket to Tree Hill waiting on the counter. There was a note as well, and she knew whatever it said must have been important because she couldn't remember the last time he'd actually written anything for her.

_Peyton,  
Go. Go be with him. It would be too hard having you here when I know you're not mine. I guess I should be thankful for the time when you were.  
I don't hate you. I kind of wish that I could, but it's just impossible. I'll probably always love you, and that kind of sucks because you'll look back on me as just another stepping stone that got you to him.__  
Let me know where I can reach you. I'll take care of everything (packing, legal stuff, whatever else). Just go be happy. You deserve it.__  
If you ever find yourself single and in L.A., don't hesitate to call. (That's a joke...kind of).  
- J_

She smiled at his attempt to end the note humorously, then checked the time on the plane ticket. She wouldn't have to be at the airport for another few hours. She took the time to pack another bag of some of the items she knew she couldn't live without. Favourite albums and photographs and books. A few items of clothing she knew she'd need. There were things in her office she wanted. Then she realized that she had a job she couldn't just up and leave...could she?

Yes, she could. No job, no paycheck, no work was worth as much to her as that feeling she got when her hand was tucked safely inside Lucas'. Or the way it felt to have him look into her eyes as that smile came to his face - that smile that was reserved only for her. Nothing was more important than that.

As if on cue, her phone rang on her desk and she saw that it was her boss. They'd always had a close relationship, ever since she started working at the label as his assistant. Slowly but surely, she worked her way up through the ranks until she was basically his right hand. He was her go-to. She knew everything about every artist, and he'd promised her that one day she'd be his partner, once the label got to a size where a partner was needed. She dreaded what this call was concerning.

"Sawyer," his voice called out before she'd even said a word.

"Hey Peter," she said as calmly as she could.

"Got a visit from your boyfriend this morning," he informed her. "Well, ex, I guess."

"Yeah," she sighed. Why the hell had Julian gone to see her boss?

"Sorry to hear about you two. He's a good guy."

"He is," she agreed solemnly. This call was not helping her. Not at all.

"I gotta tell you, I wasn't expecting to hear that you were leaving L.A. from anyone other than you," he said. She couldn't place the emotion in his voice, and it scared the hell out of her.

"I'm sorry. It wasn't exactly planned," she explained. She wondered what else Julian had told him, but she knew that he wouldn't slander her to anyone. He may have been hurt, but he wouldn't drag her name through the mud. It just wasn't in his nature.

"Well, listen. Julian and I had a good talk today," he started. "I've been thinking of expanding for a while, and the east coast seems like a smart business move. I want you to set up a branch for me out there."

"What?" she asked, completely dumbfounded.

"I mean, Tree Hill, North Carolina can't exactly be a bustling community, but it'll have you, and that'll make it great," he assured her.

"Peter, this is crazy," she said, shaking her head as she tried to comprehend what he was saying.

"No, it's not. It's a smart move for both of us. Listen, you go to Tree Hill and find a space. We'll build a studio and find some artists. I trust you, Peyton," he said sincerely.

"I don't know what to say," she insisted. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome. But you should thank Julian. He gave me the idea, I just talked to the investors. We're excited about this," he said. She could practically hear him smiling. "I'll be in touch in a few days once you're settled and we'll get the ball rolling."

"OK!" she said, her excitement building. "I'll talk to you soon."

She hung up the phone and let out a squeal she just couldn't hold in. She took out a pad of paper and knew she had to write a letter for Julian. She wanted to apologize and thank him for everything he'd done since she'd known him. She wrote that she never meant to hurt him, and that she knew that didn't count for much. She said she was sorry for not being the kind of woman he thought she was. She said she hoped they could keep in touch and she wished him all the very best.

She would miss him. Of course, she'd miss him. But more overwhelming was the want - the need - to get back to Lucas. She knew how hard it must have been for Julian to let her go. She knew that's just how much he loved her - to want her to be happy above all else.

She gathered her things, left the note on the desk in his office, and waited outside for the cab she'd called.

She'd spent a lot of time in LAX over the years; there were business trips and vacations, or simply picking Julian up from wherever he'd been. This was different. She knew she'd be back, but she didn't know when. There was no timeline for her return.

She was going home.

----

The entire flight, she could barely sit still. She hadn't felt that sense of urgency, of anticipation, in ages. She knew it would be a surprise to everyone in Tree Hill that she was back, and that she was staying for good. God, she didn't even have a place to live! But it didn't matter. What mattered was that she was choosing happiness and love over everything else. She'd figure the rest out as she went along.

When the plane finally landed, her feet wouldn't carry her to baggage claim fast enough. She literally tapped her toes impatiently as she waited for her bags to appear on the carousel, and went to the same car rental place that she'd been to just days before.

She didn't know where to go first. Should she go to Brooke's and beg for a place to stay? Should she go to Nathan and Haley's and tell them the whole story? All good options, yes, but none of them involved the one person she needed to see. She _needed_ to see him.

She drove to the River Court, just assuming he'd be there. He was. He didn't see her pull up, or didn't recognize the car, so he just didn't pay attention.

He had his back to her when she walked onto the court. She noticed his frame beneath his sweat-dampened shirt. He was perfect. He was a beautiful man, and it was all she could do not to run to him and throw her arms around him. He lifted the bottom of his shirt to wipe the sweat from his brow, and she felt her temperature spike at the glimpse of his bare skin. She didn't know when the last time was that she felt that affected by someone, just by being in their presence.

He spun around quickly and sent up a shot before seeing her, only noticing she was there when she caught his rebound.

"You be skins, I'll be shirts." Of all the things she thought she might say to him when she saw him, that wasn't even on the list. And yet, it was oddly perfect. It was playful and sweet and so utterly..._them_.

"I'd like it better if it was the other way around," he said with that crooked grin of his.

She rolled her eyes and tossed the ball back to him, but the surprised, yet contented, look stayed on his face.

He didn't know why she was there. He didn't know what made her come back to him. He was afraid to ask, for fear of what she'd say, but he needed to know. He'd just opened his mouth to speak when her voice cut him off.

"I told him," she said simply, shrugging her shoulders.

"Oh."

"It's over." She took a few steps towards him so there was only a few feet separating them.

"OK." He was certainly making his reaction hard to read.

"I'm in love with you." She said the one and only thing that she thought might get him to open up. And it was the truth.

"Alright," he said, a full smile finally breaking on his lips. She just scoffed and rolled her eyes as she found a grin gracing her own lips.

"Look, heartfelt declarations are more your thing, but if you wanted to kiss me, now would be the time," she said with a smirk.

"I'm sweaty," he pointed out, looking down to his damp shirt.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," she said with a raised eyebrow, making him laugh.

God, he had missed her. He had missed this. Joking and sarcasm and that beautiful moment when they both knew they were about to kiss.

So he stepped forward, leaned in, and heard her take a sharp breath. Then he knew how bad she wanted it, so he decided to tease her. Instead of kissing her the way he knew she was craving, he pressed his lips to her forehead before turning away to make another shot.

"I take it back," she said with a furrowed brow and a teasing tone. "I kind of hate you."

Before she even knew it was happening, her face was in his hands and his lips were on her own. They parted after a few moments, and she rested her forehead against his as she kept her eyes closed. _That_ was what a kiss was supposed to feel like.

"Anything else I should know?" he asked, pulling away. She noted the smirk playing on his lips and raised an eyebrow questioningly. "No other secret husbands?"

She swatted him on the chest and stared at him with her mouth agape, making him laugh.

"I'm afraid not," she teased. "I'm all yours."

He snaked his arm around her waist and pulled her body flush to his as he smiled.

"Finally."

"There's a lot we have to talk about," she pointed out seriously.

"I know," he nodded.

"It's not going to be easy," she continued.

"I know," he repeated.

"It's probably going to be angry conversations and it'll get worse before it gets better. I understand if you can't trust me after everything and if you want to take things really slow and..."

"Peyton," he laughed. "I love you, but shut up already."

"I see you want to get a head start on those angry conversations, huh?" she teased, noting the playful look on his face.

"No," he said with a smirk. "I just want you to stop talking long enough for me to kiss you again."

"That's not going to fix anything," she scolded playfully.

She'd barely gotten the words out and his lips were on hers with a determination that left her weak in the knees. He literally had to hold her tighter to keep her from falling. When he pulled away, he thought he heard her mutter _'wow',_ but he couldn't be sure.

"You sure about that?" he asked, his voice low.

"Maybe it'll fix things a little," she mumbled, making him laugh again.

"Whatever it takes, Peyt," he said seriously after a moment. "I know we'll drive each other crazy and make each other mad and it'll take a while before we can really be _us_ again. But this is it."

"Whatever it takes," she nodded.

"I'm in this with you," he insisted softly, staring at her as she digested the statement

"Finally," she said, repeating his sentiment from earlier.

She didn't know what it was about that moment, or him, or them, or home, but she felt more balanced and at ease, though she knew they had a long road ahead of them. She was back with Lucas. She couldn't erase the last 6 years, but she knew that timing was everything. She had an overwhelming feeling that this time, they had it right.

_**-Fin-**_


End file.
